Posts Tagged ‘terrible movie’
apocalypse, repeatedly »
Monday, June 22nd, 2009
Roland Emmerich seems to be obsessed with our civilization crumbling under its own weight. (Some call this a “kindred spirit.”) For those wondering who that is, think ID4 or 10,000BC.
Some background: 2012 is the year predicted by Mayans (before they were conquered in the search for wealth, like Malaysians) to be the end of the world. Considering our current social state and climate issues, they’re likely not far off.
Here’s a trailer for Emmerich’s next offering, titled (no creativity) 2012:
Crazy right? Boom! The effects are nuts. The cast is… well, whatever. The concept is interesting. How will it play?
This could be Emmerich’s redeemer (that they still reference ID4 13yrs later should tell you he’s had a few stale ones). It’ll likely involve some terrible story where the main characters are the only three people that aren’t killed… but an aircraft carrier rolling over the White House? w00t!
Wait, so the government’s been planning on all this happening? Cusack’s the hero? Danny Glover as President? A car jumping (yes. jumping.) out of a plane?
Um…
This is probably best seen in a theater, given the explosions and tsunamis but maybe second run? Or matinee? This should be terrible with a side of CGI worth seeing but immediately regretting. (Again, think 10,000BC)
I will say this, though. If there’s one thing Emmerich does well, it’s destroy the world with reckless abandon. And I, for one, appreciate that.
Photo courtesy WorstPreviews.com. Trailer from Film School Rejects.
boot camp »
Friday, September 5th, 2008
… is a desperate and pathetic attempt at commentary. Unfortunately, that commentary is largely ignored and the acting is impressively terrible. It’s hard to get into, which is saying something for a guy that gets into every movie. The story is predictable and annoying.
It follows a teen being all teen-ish and pissing off her parents. She gets sent to some no-name island where a kook is piling up troubled teens like water bottles before a hurricane. He’s helping them or something. Then some bad stuff happens and then some more stuff happens and then everything you expect comes falling down like a light shower of duh.
**
wedding daze »
Wednesday, August 20th, 2008
… is impressively terrible. It makes Honey look like Crash. It made me long for the days when I was young, stupid and naive enough to find American Pie entertaining.
The story is inconsequential but follows some guy who gets dumped, gets all depressed and then asks some waitress to marry him. Isla Fisher is hot and all but that’s like spraying a light mist of Febreeze over the triceratops’ feces from Jurassic Park.
*
just add water »
Friday, August 15th, 2008
… is weird but uninteresting. It’s a hard combo to pull off, but this one does so incredibly well. It’s about a guy and his empty, absurdly terrible existence. His job blows, the town he lives in has poisonous soil and is run by barely-legal hoodlums that run a meth lab and he catches his wife cheating on him with his brother right after his mom and sister die.
Everything (including the ridiculous effects) is laid on too thick. There’s no subtlety and the direction is too in-your-face to care at all. Plus, the story is predictable enough a tween would start doing homework out of boredom while it runs in the background.
Some parts are funny, but it’s all about laughing at instead of laughing with or for good reason. (Like the cinematic version of an obese person on ice skates in short shorts trying to climb a glacier.)
****
fahrenheit 451 »
Tuesday, May 27th, 2008
… makes starship troopers 2 look like a mediocre film made by ambitious, if untalented, go-getters. It’s a pile of shit on par with that triceratops dropping pile in jurassic park. It’s almost impressive it weren’t so depressing.
The book is amazing. It’s a recent read and hit me harder than any since Clockwork Orange. It’s a solid concept, fantastic story and bold in its simplicity and (possible) prescience. The movie does none of that and ends up in so many different layers of ridiculous it took some effort to keep watching it.
The story itself is close to the book. The production value and terrible acting is what throws me. The costumes probably cost $.37 in today’s dollars. If you looked hard enough you could probably see clear-tape on the seams of every part of the set.
Terrible and pathetic come to mind as discriptive words, but they just don’t cover how absolutely horrible it is. The book deserved more. The concept itself, the philosophy behind it, deserved far more. Blech.
1/2