Not exactly a prime candidate for such a “prestigious” award, I’m aware. Still, their standards can’t be that high. I wouldn’t aim for anything worthwhile, like Physics or (for the good of all mankind) Literature. Instead, I set my sights on Economics.

Whoa, you’re thinking. Money? Financial theory? He’s kidding right? He can barely count. I am not. (Kidding, that is. You’re spot on with the counting.) In defense, I give an example of one recipient proving I’m just as qualified.

Milton Friedman, you say? Sure, an obvious target because his thoughts on perpetual consumption drove Reaganism, multiple nation-state failures and ignored any glaring issues (rampant unemployment, catastrophic inequality, unsustainable models, etc.).

Too easy.

My exhibit A (though, it’s the only exhibit, so I don’t know why I named it) is Mr. Robert M. Solow. For those unfamiliar, he was awarded a Nobel Prize in 1987 for magic and is (or was; not sure) a professor of wizardry at MIT.

How did he get a Nobel Prize and the subsequent funds in economics then, if he’s a less-fake Dumbledore? Your guess is as good as mine.

In theory, it’s because he helped solidify Economic Growth Theory (notice the redundant “theory” usage; told you I’m not aiming for the Literature prize). Here’s where I’m just as qualified, if not more so.

The theory only uses capital and labor as inputs for dozens of “calculations” that prove our economic growth is sustainable. This, to a Fox News devotee, is common knowledge. Which is the main problem.

Let’s take something as simple as a car. Dumbl— err, Solow claims to make that car you’ll only need tools, cars and a little know-how. That’s it. See where I’m going with this?

Yeah… so by sheer force of will (magic), he manifests recyclable resources like steel and glass and other barely reusables (like tires, plastics, fiberglass, etc.). Then, he forgets those in his “equations.”

What does that mean and why do I deserve a medal and related financial windfall? Not only is resource depletion ignored completely, but waste and pollution creation are non-factors. I can create a theory in 10 minutes that factors out entire mountains of common-sense and I want recognition for that.

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