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survival of the fittest, valentine’s

Friday, February 12th, 2010

Dear ladies. You’re adorable and you smell nice and your hair looks great that way. That said, go away. Seriously, I’m about to toss down some wisdom you want no part of. If you remain, I take no responsibility for your opinion of me thereafter (it’ll still be outstanding).

Valentine’s is a frightening time. The pressure from those that profit on it is immense. The strongest of women, independent, free thinking and confident, are reduced to sappy sods mid-February, ready to lash out at any lapse in what commercials tell them is love.

Guys. If you’re lucky enough to have a better half, most of you know the perils of the fake-smile slathered near-gift you tried to hand over. You probably know the “thought over cost” save that your fathers passed on, as theirs passed to them. Here I’m talk to leaving work the Friday before Valentine’s without an earful of gush or, probably, guilt.

Depending on your chosen (or forced) occupation (or how you occupy your time), you may heed none of this. Those of you in IT or repairing radiators don’t really run into the fairer sex often. Others must tread lightly.

For those sharing cubes with hopeful-flower-recipients, here are a few tips.

Pretend it doesn’t exist.
This may seem simple but you’ll be reminded in every meeting, every chat around a microwave and any other encounter. When asked, make it seem as if you’re blind-sided. I don’t care if you have to do it fifteen times through the day. Each time you’ve never even heard of the idea of Valentine’s.

Avoid feminine flocks.
Just this afternoon, I entered the lunch room, grabbed a sandwich and noticed a table nearly filled with some women I know and others I don’t. I sat to the corner by myself and enjoyed (sort of) my meal. Walking into a roundtable interrogation like that is hazardous to your health. (Fox News wishes Guantanamo were as intense.)

Make something up.
Maybe those first two didn’t work and you’re roped into some long-winded discussion with a women who’s filling your brain with all her PG fantasies. Here, you make something up. Tell her you’re taking your girlfriend to Vegas because she loves sadness and blown savings. Tell her you’re proposing, whether you plan to, never will or already have. Tell her you bought her ten grand in diamonds because she hates Africans and loves manipulated markets. It doesn’t matter.

Above all, make your ladyfriend happy.
Do the ladies at work really matter? No (unless of course you work with your girlfriend). Then nothing said here will help you in the least. Mostly, just make your girlfriend glad she’s with you.

If you’re not doing that all year or have to be reminded by terrible commercials and a deluge of Facebook ads for flower delivery, you’re a dick. You deserve all the girly grilling you get and much worse.

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the old man in me

Friday, February 5th, 2010

Brandy (the liquor). Somehow, this delicious distilled wine has (for reasons I can’t figure) been given a bad name. As the least possible qualified, I feel I should defend this fantastic fermented marvel.

Recently I’ve reacquainted myself with the burnt wine bliss and the following defense is entirely selfish and based on this assumption: if you understand the beauty of brandy order my new favorite for yourself (or me, because you’re so cute and your hair looks great and you smell like sexy flowers).

Let’s start near the beginning.

I haven’t drank Coca-Cola, by itself, since high school. Outside of the occasional Mountain Dew (err, Mtn Dew) to stave off fatigue or a root beer now and again, I avoid soda (“pop,” for my four-year-old or misguided Midwestern readers). Only when commingled with booze do I regularly partake in the sugary mess most of you hold dear.

If you had run into me freshman year with a 20oz bottle of Coke, you could be 98% sure it was heavily mixed. Brandy made for a reasonably priced drunk. As my tastes refined (used loosely), beer (“beer” then beer, if you get my meaning) took over.

Recently, I’ve realize the error of my ways. It started a few months ago. I forget the name, but Porter and Frye has a drink named something like the “Ginger or Mary Anne.” The mix of Hennessy, ginger beer and others is amazing (go try it, if you have $10 to spare).

Then, on the aforementioned trip to Duplex, I dabbled in the distilled delight again. When Girlfriend and I made our last trip to the drink store, I grabbed a bottle of Korbel and later some ginger ale, inspired by the Porter and Frye concoction. Back home, I mixed my first Brandy Ginger Ale, which is the “favorite” mentioned above.

It’s simple (as much brandy as I damn well please, thank you, and the rest ginger ale), refreshing and not filling (more drinking!). It’s cheaper by drink than most imports (it’s considered a rail drink). A flask and two cans of ginger ale can make an evening, so it travels incredibly well. And best of all, I’m saving the planet.

That’s right kids, my taste for this luscious liqueur has lower impact than near anything. With our preference for better beers, Girlfriend and I toss more glass than dragon chasers. This way, a bottle lasts weeks (days?) instead of… uh… an hour? (None of your business.)

I guess I’m really just asking you to buy me a drink. Save the planet!

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friday free for all

Friday, January 29th, 2010

… As of yesterday, I’ve been working as a contractor for seven weeks. By Monday afternoon, I will have moved into three different cubes; spent about fifty hours on-bus; worked past 8p twice, on three different computers and three sites; and haven’t been paid. (You read that correctly.)

After a particularly long (cou*12 hour*gh) day, I received a pitch about the many benefits and great things about signing up full-time. I was not impressed and, as my newfound stability isn’t all that stable, am still unimpressed. (I’m scheduled for a check on the 15th, as their accounting system defaults to a 60 day wait.)

… (Speaking of unimpressed.) The Apple i[Tab] (what an incredibly terrible name) was introduced Wednesday and will ship in two months. Some people will find a use for it but until I can justify paying for books instead of the library (on top of some UX choices), I’m out. My next Mac will be the Mini that runs my television after the move.

… Yesterday was my sister’s twenty-second birthday. We went to the restaurant she suggested and had a pretty great time. Afterward, Girlfriend, two friend and I went to a show. After a drink or two and waiting in line for about fifteen minutes, the power went out.

About a half-hour later someone told us they were getting information for refunds; thirty seconds after that the lights went back on. Roma di Luna’s (if you’re not listening to them, you should be) set was cut short for time and we left before the headlining act. I’m fully exhausted today.

… and finally:
This is the first FFFA since a month and a half after I was unceremoniously and involuntarily removed from my former place of employment. Since has been a whirlwind. I very much enjoyed my summer but didn’t enjoy the finance-related stress.

I’m now actively looking for work in Chicago and if any of the threes of you dear readers know of anyone that could help, please let me know. I’d love to find a local job board or hear about some specific places looking to hire.

Thanks in advance. You’re all glorious beacons of light in this dark, dark world. Well, most of you.

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the case for CoCo

Friday, January 15th, 2010

Inferred in the title, I’m a staunch Conan “People of Earth” O’Brien supporter. This does not mean I regularly watch his show. In fact, I rarely see it since I slimmed my subscriptions in Hulu but I watched regularly at first and enjoy his humorist tendencies.

That and his competition is sub-stellar.

David “Ahead of the News” Letterman is a better interview. His bits and monologue are tired but he, especially with guests he sees as inferior, is a master behind the desk (though, James “Your Favorite Curse” Lipton has him  beat hands down in overall style).

Jay “Have You Heard This?/Am I Right?” Leno has a tired monologue, uninteresting interview skills but can make fun of stupid people and typos. Jerry “Show About Nothing” Seinfeld is a genius in observing the comedy in the mondane. Leno’s genius is in trying to be Seinfeld.

Craig “Who’s That Guy?” Ferguson has filled the shoes of Craig “Where’s My Mirror” Kilborn well. Still, he’s a complete goof who I have only watched once or twice. He seems to have a following.

Jimmy “Stick Around After Grey’s” Kimmel has a stronger following than Ferguson and seems to have the staying power. At least on his network, which has ratings, I think, from televisions being left on after “Modern Family” or “Grey’s Anatomy” or, in some cases, “General Hospital“.

Because I’m such an impressive blogger*, I’ll even mention Wanda “Rock-Splitting Voice” Sykes and George “I’m Hispanic” Lopez. Neither are original (or funny) but both have shows (Fox Saturday and TBS during the week, respectively) because networks need to advertise pharmaceuticals to insomniac, depressed, middle-aged viewers. (Pills!!)

NBC’s decision to scrap their Tonight Show (a legacy of fifty-five years) for some hybrid option was rightfully opposed by O’Brien (his statement). After only a few months, O’Brien’s show had a younger audience, something coveted by most studio execs (lower proportion on a fixed income = more money = lucrative advertising). In any case, even Leno defended O’Brien’s ratings issues.

What no one’s talking about is how much Leno’s show sucked. I mean, it’s terrible. His monologue is just as abismal as it was an hour and a half later but the laid back format is boring, the interviews still terrible and his choice in up-and-coming comedians doesn’t fit his demographic. He can still make fun of stupid people but is that better than O’Brien?

No.

Mr O’Brien’s intellectually goofy style is more modern and more in-tune with the not-yet-middle-aged audience. It’s fresh and unique in a landscape of desks and couches. Jimmy “Look at My Gadget” Fallon has taken to the role of goofball after-The-Tonight-Show host, Jon “Say WHAAAAT!?” Stewart covers political humor and Stephen “Even I Don’t Take This Seriously” Colbert has a lock on mockery, so O’Brien can work his niche accordingly.

Playing one off the other here, as NBC is doing, provides a ratings boost and then built-in buzz for O’Brien’s next step. This, I’m behind. As long as he moves to a Hulu-friendly network… (who can stay up that late nowadays?)

* You may have noticed I didn’t even make a case for Conan’s staying at The Tonight Show or moving to another network or just retiring. I’m that good.

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to portland west

Thursday, October 8th, 2009

Road TripIt wasn’t when the itinerary was sent to me or when I put the dates into my calendar. It wasn’t the first round of manual-transmission lessons. It didn’t even sink in after planning the corresponding website. (Yes, a website.)

Tuesday, I’m off on a road trip to the Northwest. The twelve-day trek takes Fish and I through the Badlands, Grand Tetons, the coast (including Portland and Seattle). Add a probable Hold Steady show and I’m thiiiiis close to pissing myself.

(I won’t, of course. That’s for preschoolers, college freshmen and Hugh Jackman.)

With my (seemingly perpetual) unemployment, I have the time most don’t (including, hopefully, me… soon). I’m milking a few freelance projects and the (hopeful) sale of my PC (seriously; if you want it, $750 makes it yours) to finance my part of things.

Related question: what’s with stick-shift? How am I to text, rock to jams and generally disregard my fellow drivers if I’m worried about which foot is doing what? No wonder Americans gave it up. (TWD for [an incredibly short] life!)

My first “manny tranny”* lesson went… well? I barely made it up a 4% grade from a stop and nearly hit an angry, old guy walking down the center of the street. The second was better and by Oct25, I’ll be pulling Transporter-esque moves.

I’m using a field notebook from Draplin Design Co. that I got as swag from Design Camp last weekend, patching together my (hundreds of) photos and maybe video for a site to be completed after I’m back.

(That’s an incredibly long, probably run-on, sentence I just made into a paragraph. So good at this.)

Most of the trip is camping, so I probably won’t be all that reachable. (Which is awesome!) Outside of my iPod (with stored articles, podcasts, music) and some books, I’ll be ignoring media as much as possible.

As part of the camping, road trip, media ignoring thing, I’ll also leave my trimmer at home. The longest I’ve gone without cutting hairs since sophomore year is six days. This could get horrifying.

And I almost forgot. What made it finally sink in?

Putting forecast and average/record temperatures into those aforementioned calendar entries. How’s that for ending on lame? Whatever, I’m fully stoked.

* Did I just make that up?

Photo courtesy PhotoBucket

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a grammar lesson:

Wednesday, September 16th, 2009

TypeThere are many differences betwixt the UK and US. Many are good, like the US becoming obsessed with hygienic marketing and washing themselves often, including their teeth. Some are bad, like the UK having few domestic resources.

Others, the ones I pay attention to, are hilarious. Coffee vs Tea, when everyone knows they’re both terrible. Right- vs Left-side driving because all drivers are terrible, distracted and dangerous. Yards (only us) vs Meters (everyone else).

Or our “shared” language: Did you know “color” has a “u”? Or “gray” is “grey”? And then there’s punctuation within quotations. What a cluster that is, right?

For those who went to public school and/or are young enough to fail through No Child Left Behind, here’s a refresher, brought to you by Tina Blue:

[Regarding question marks or exclamation points:] If it is part of the quotation itself, we put it inside the quotation marks, and if it governs the sentence as a whole but not the material being quoted, we put it outside the quotation marks.*

Simple, right?, but what about periods and commas, you (don’t) ask?

Universal American usage places commas and periods inside the quotation marks, regardless of logic… [except] when that last little item enclosed in quotation marks is just a letter or a number, in which case the period or comma will go outside the closing quotation marks.

Notice the “Universal American” specified there? That’s because the UK doesn’t throw that bit of huh into things. Commas and periods are placed the same as our question marks and exclamation points.

She explains this became the standard because of typesetting errors. Then she says: “But apparently only American printers were more attached to convenience than logic, since British printers continued to risk the misalignment of their periods and commas.”**

This “convenience for logic” sacrifice may explain a great many things. However… we’re passionate, misinformed, uneducated and overfed so we think we can shop our way out of recession and oil is magically infinite. (More proof of latter statement, via DC.)

All and all, we have better teeth (stereotypically), so things are going quite well.

* For those that text: add the string of exclamation points (I knw, u r totes crzy, yo!!!) after the quotations unless you’re quoting someone else’s string of exclamation points (cuz OMG they’z stoked 2, yo!!), where they should go within the quotes. In either case you’re an idiot.

** You can take this grammar advice however you like because she used “since” instead of the correct, “because” (or similar) in this case. As you likely missed it, move along and try reading something heavier than the Twilight series. (It’ll be hard at first but sound out the big words, “thorough,” for instance, and you’ll be fine.)

Photo Courtesy: I Love Typography

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