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2010 Oscar Predictions

Thursday, February 18th, 2010

Do you hear the trumpets? If you were reading this on an i[Tab] you’d hear trumpets…

So the nominations are in and, like ‘07, ‘08 and ‘09, I’m here to throw in my four cents. As always, I’ve listed my favorite and the likely winner. These are usually different because I don’t have any vested interest in terrible movies making money from year to year, like some people who will remain nameless (because I don’t know their names).

I’ve even thrown in some underdogs to justify my drinking during the show on March 7th. You can see all the nominees listed at IMDB.

Best Animated Feature:
 My pick: Coraline
Winner: Up

I liked Coraline because the story and animation were more intriguing (scary as all hell, awesome). That won’t matter.

Best Achievement in Visual Effects:
 My pick: Avatar
Winner: Avatar

Every single one of these smaller, technical awards that Avatar is up for will bring home a statue for them. It’s a technical marvel. If only they would stop there…

Best Documentary Feature:
 My pick: Food, Inc.
Winner: Food, Inc.

With the caveat that it’s the only one I’ve seen, it’s also the only one that made money. This is a big deal for an industry trying to look deep with no interest in being deep. It’s a great film in its own right but making a little scratch never hurts your chances in this category.

Best Foreign Language Film:
 My pick: Das weisse Band
Winner: Das weisse Band
Underdog: Un prophète

Again, this is the only one I’ve seen in this category but with all the buzz, it’ll take the statue. And it should (despite many misunderstanding it as a commentary on the social climate that bore Nazism). But maybe the voters will misunderstand Un prophète as “profit” and throw their votes that way.

Best Achievement in Editing:
 My pick: Avatar
Winner: Avatar

Because… uh… it’s Avatar?

Best Achievement in Cinematography:
 My pick: Das weisse Band
Winner: Avatar
Underdog: Inglourious Basterds

Guys, black and white is soo classy, right? (It’s like when there were movies before iPods or the eighties.) That and I don’t want Avatar to take all these damn statues. It’s blatent theft.

Best Screenplay based on Previous Material:
 My pick: Up in the Air
Winner: Up in the Air

Sorry, all, but this one’s too easy. District 9 is great if you’re into sci-fi but most aren’t (which is a fact fans of sci-fi love to forget). Up in the Air is adorable to the point the word is sort of obnoxious and it still worth watching. That’s nearly impossible and deserves some kudos.

Best Original Screenplay:
 My pick: Inglourious Basterds
Winner: The Hurt Locker
Underdog: Up

Inglorious Basterds has no chance at any others, unfortunately. This fact alone should get Tarantino the win but it doesn’t matter because, if the Academy decides to go with Avatar as the Big Winner, Hurt Locker may get the sympathy win here. Also, I liked Up. What of it? (That opening sequence was understated, powerful and made my tiny heart sob.)

Best Achievement in Directing:
 My pick: Kathryn Bigelow (The Hurt Locker)
Winner: Kathryn Bigelow (The Hurt Locker)
Underdog: Quentin Tarantino (Inglorious Basterds)

She has the critics on her side, why bet on anyone else? Avatar was a total tech-gasm but purely on merit, James Cameron just doesn’t get close. He has no nuance or scope and hasn’t directed anything worth watching since 1991. Really, I just hope Tarantino pulls this one out, which would be very… uh… Tarantino? (Except for all the death.)

Best Performance by an Actress, Supporting:
 My pick: Mo’Nique (Precious)
Winner: Mo’Nique (Precious)
Underdog: Anna Kendrick (Up in the Air)

Mo’Nique has this and has since the first day she strapped on a bandana and nom-nommed her first chicken wing. That said, Kendrick is a huge part of that obnoxious adorable mentioned earlier. A win here could break her free of the excrutiating hell that is the Twilight series. We here at the Chasm wish her luck.

Best Performance by an Actor, Supporting:
 My pick: Christoph Waltz (Inglorious Basterds)
Winner: Matt Damon (Invictus)

HaHA! Okay, I’m just having fun here. Who the hell gives two shirts about that movie? Rugby? South Africa after Hotel Rwanda? Yawn.

When he puts that glass of milk to his lips… just so… #boom! Oscar. Had this been any other year, Woody Harrelson would have easily taken the prize.

Best Performance by an Actress, Leading:
 My pick: Sandra Bullock (The Blind Side)
Winner: Sandra Bullock (The Blind Side)

Dear readers, it hurts. The pain of putting Bullock’s name in “ink” is that of a thousand paper cuts. If the paper were on fire. But she’s the only one on this list. Meryl Streep is Meryl Streep and she did a great impression of Ms. Child, I guess. Just not enough to combat the feel-good, sassy-shorts Sandra who came at it with big-haired guns blaring.

Best Performance by an Actor:
 My pick: Jeff Bridges (Crazy Heart)
Favorite: Jeff Bridges (Crazy Heart)
Underdog: Jeremy Renner (The Hurt Locker)

Morgan Freeman’s impression of Nelson Mendela is great and all, but, like Streep, he doesn’t have a chance. Renner, though, put in a haunted performance and could have won… if it weren’t for Bridges having this one in the bag. It appears those that vote are behind him 110%.

Best Motion Picture:
 My pick: The Hurt Locker
Favorite: Avatar
Underdog: Inglourious Basterds

I wish I could say Hurt Locker, the far better movie, takes home the statue. Unfortunately, bedazzled by the money and effects, Avatar will probably take it. Like Pedobear would were he to have the chance.

Also, this blatant ploy to get a bigger audience involved is desperate and horrifying. The Blind Side? That wasn’t even the best family film of the year, much less the best overall. If movies weren’t already dead I’d say nominating ten movies for the Best Picture would kill them. (Here’s a great article about how Hurt Locker winning could change things quite a bit.)

Photo courtesy About.com

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the ideal i[Tab] user

Monday, February 1st, 2010

Friday I mentioned a reason I’m not getting an i[Tab].* I’ve had some time to think about it and am still not in the market for such things. Instead, I’ll explain who is in the market for such things. The ideal people that will buy an i[Tab]…

… have never learned to type.
Hunt-peck is all you need and all you’d want with a keyboard that’s ergonomically useless. In fact, better they’ve never used a keyboard. They’ll be impressed with the non-responsiveness of it.

… haven’t bought a television in three… err, seven years (let’s be safe).
Any more recent and they’ll have seen widescreen format. Those familiar black bars at the top and bottom will remind them of home no matter where they are.

Aside: Why not make it widescreen in landscape mode? Disable the touch on the sides and dim those portions to black when in portrait mode. Apps could still develop for the fullscreen format but why not cater to those that want a sweet as video player? Disappointed!

… love iTunes.
For as much as you have to use iTunes to maintain any media on the i[Tab], they’ll have to be über fans. Maybe to the point they feed their kids with it.

And finally, they have to be old enough, mature enough or dim enough not to comprehend the glaring double meaning in the under-thought name. I mean, the jokes are endless. (Thus excluding anyone on Twitter.)

Essentially, I’m describing your grandmother. Yes, the i[Tab] is cool and will be popular but only because of the idea of it. In reality it does quite a few things adequately but nothing well.

It’s a cumbersome music player, a poorly designed video player (widescreen!), an unfortunate book reader and an unintuitive (zoom much?) browsing machine. But, it will sell because Apple aims for the market that should exist, not the one that does.

It paves the way for a future of “automatic” computing but that’s not the market I fall into. My parents had the desktop and I have a notebook; maybe this is the next stage of computation but it’ll take a minute for me to jump on board.

* I refuse, at least digitally, to refer to this thing with the absurd, marketing misstep name Apple provides.

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friday free for all

Friday, January 29th, 2010

… As of yesterday, I’ve been working as a contractor for seven weeks. By Monday afternoon, I will have moved into three different cubes; spent about fifty hours on-bus; worked past 8p twice, on three different computers and three sites; and haven’t been paid. (You read that correctly.)

After a particularly long (cou*12 hour*gh) day, I received a pitch about the many benefits and great things about signing up full-time. I was not impressed and, as my newfound stability isn’t all that stable, am still unimpressed. (I’m scheduled for a check on the 15th, as their accounting system defaults to a 60 day wait.)

… (Speaking of unimpressed.) The Apple i[Tab] (what an incredibly terrible name) was introduced Wednesday and will ship in two months. Some people will find a use for it but until I can justify paying for books instead of the library (on top of some UX choices), I’m out. My next Mac will be the Mini that runs my television after the move.

… Yesterday was my sister’s twenty-second birthday. We went to the restaurant she suggested and had a pretty great time. Afterward, Girlfriend, two friend and I went to a show. After a drink or two and waiting in line for about fifteen minutes, the power went out.

About a half-hour later someone told us they were getting information for refunds; thirty seconds after that the lights went back on. Roma di Luna’s (if you’re not listening to them, you should be) set was cut short for time and we left before the headlining act. I’m fully exhausted today.

… and finally:
This is the first FFFA since a month and a half after I was unceremoniously and involuntarily removed from my former place of employment. Since has been a whirlwind. I very much enjoyed my summer but didn’t enjoy the finance-related stress.

I’m now actively looking for work in Chicago and if any of the threes of you dear readers know of anyone that could help, please let me know. I’d love to find a local job board or hear about some specific places looking to hire.

Thanks in advance. You’re all glorious beacons of light in this dark, dark world. Well, most of you.

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the hilarity of ‘powder’

Monday, January 25th, 2010

I finally sat down and watched Powder. The movie aside for a moment, I was astounded by how hilarious the premise is. (Bear in mind, the writer subsequently wrote two Jeepers Creepers movies.)

If you haven’t seen the movie and would like to, do not read on. I won’t waste time avoiding spoilers.

Jeremy “Powder” Reed is a higher-evolved being because his mother was hit by lightening with him in the womb. An expert in high-school level theory, Donald Ripley (Jeff Goldblum!), his science teacher, makes this assertion without hesitation. He should have hesitated.

There are ideas about what humans would be like if they used all of their entire brain instead of the ape-like ten percent or so (we use more, but not simultaneously). It’s not possible for many reasons but here’s one…

We adapted the ability to use tools and language to survive scarcity. We don’t have that. In fact, we have abundance and we’re still wasting it. Humans are dim, simplistic and lack foresight.

Natural selection, Intelligent Design, the Logos, God or however you define it made us this way. We aren’t supposed to realize we’re part of nature or that our planet is dying. We’re special in that we think we’re special.

So, for someone like Powder to exist, we’d only need a few periods of unparalleled scarcity, right? Nope.

It’s unlikely we’d ever advance past the point of ignorant, belligerent ape. Even with the rudimentary tools we’ve been given we dominate the planet. We idiots are the supreme species so there’s no need to adapt to anything more.

There can be improvement, sure. We can realize we can no longer wage war, address commonality in culture instead of differences and educate our children. Or even consider ourselves part of nature, acting accordingly.

You probably know from current events or Us Weekly, we do none of this. In fact, there’s a growing movement desperately against any of this. Which makes the ideas behind Powder all the more hilarious.

As a romantic comedy between teenager and cloud, it’s stellar. (See what I did there?) As a movie, it’s entertaining. As an idea, it’s horrid and absurd. Then again, it’s more likely than a winged beast that feeds every so often on somewhat-attractive teenagers or Justin Long.

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bowling at the jersey shore

Thursday, January 21st, 2010

I’ve never seen the show. I’ve never been to New Jersey. I haven’t used product in my hair (or, really, had hair) for nearly a decade. I’m not even sure I want to admit the show actually exists, but I will. Why?

In the last week, nearly five people I respect have brought it up to me on separate occasions. (For the sake of their eventual progeny, they will remain nameless.) Worse still, I spent a night of cosmic bowling next to an entire group of “fans” dressed to the nines as their favorite… um… character?

If you’re not aware of what I’m talking at, please back away. In fact, clear your browser cache. No. Turn off your computer and read five pages of a book. (People Magazine is not a book.)

For the rest, you’ll have to explain the draw of this show. I’m kidding. If you try, I’ll involuntarily lose a bit of respect for you. The jokes at its expense are somewhat entertaining but I have to make judgements on the comments I’ve heard and the theme-partied bowlers.

The comments ranged from: “so much of a train wreck it’s hysterical” to: “it’s SOOO ridiculous… it’s like a sociological experiment gone awry.” One (so called) friend even likened it to season one of “Real World.” (There is no. way. that’s. true.)

That’s enough for me never to watch but then I went bowling.

On a night where temperatures hovered around freezing, this group of bowlers was dressed to prevent heat stroke. The hair was big, the skirts were short and the quotes were plentiful. (“Funbags?” Really?) They were probably great people but they were wearing the wrong uniform.

For those reasons, no matter how fervently you argue the merit, I see nothing but harm coming from this show and its ilk. Taking the mold of bringing stereotypes (optimistically, archetypes) together and making a show of stereotypes within those stereotypes is not interesting. It’s boring. To boot, MTV already made the show in 2004, which is just lazy wrapped in a warm blanket of apathetic.

If this is the state of things, where people ignore reality and instead immerse themselves in “reality,” hope is in short supply. Granted, that’s if you still have hope. To each their own.

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the case for CoCo

Friday, January 15th, 2010

Inferred in the title, I’m a staunch Conan “People of Earth” O’Brien supporter. This does not mean I regularly watch his show. In fact, I rarely see it since I slimmed my subscriptions in Hulu but I watched regularly at first and enjoy his humorist tendencies.

That and his competition is sub-stellar.

David “Ahead of the News” Letterman is a better interview. His bits and monologue are tired but he, especially with guests he sees as inferior, is a master behind the desk (though, James “Your Favorite Curse” Lipton has him  beat hands down in overall style).

Jay “Have You Heard This?/Am I Right?” Leno has a tired monologue, uninteresting interview skills but can make fun of stupid people and typos. Jerry “Show About Nothing” Seinfeld is a genius in observing the comedy in the mondane. Leno’s genius is in trying to be Seinfeld.

Craig “Who’s That Guy?” Ferguson has filled the shoes of Craig “Where’s My Mirror” Kilborn well. Still, he’s a complete goof who I have only watched once or twice. He seems to have a following.

Jimmy “Stick Around After Grey’s” Kimmel has a stronger following than Ferguson and seems to have the staying power. At least on his network, which has ratings, I think, from televisions being left on after “Modern Family” or “Grey’s Anatomy” or, in some cases, “General Hospital“.

Because I’m such an impressive blogger*, I’ll even mention Wanda “Rock-Splitting Voice” Sykes and George “I’m Hispanic” Lopez. Neither are original (or funny) but both have shows (Fox Saturday and TBS during the week, respectively) because networks need to advertise pharmaceuticals to insomniac, depressed, middle-aged viewers. (Pills!!)

NBC’s decision to scrap their Tonight Show (a legacy of fifty-five years) for some hybrid option was rightfully opposed by O’Brien (his statement). After only a few months, O’Brien’s show had a younger audience, something coveted by most studio execs (lower proportion on a fixed income = more money = lucrative advertising). In any case, even Leno defended O’Brien’s ratings issues.

What no one’s talking about is how much Leno’s show sucked. I mean, it’s terrible. His monologue is just as abismal as it was an hour and a half later but the laid back format is boring, the interviews still terrible and his choice in up-and-coming comedians doesn’t fit his demographic. He can still make fun of stupid people but is that better than O’Brien?

No.

Mr O’Brien’s intellectually goofy style is more modern and more in-tune with the not-yet-middle-aged audience. It’s fresh and unique in a landscape of desks and couches. Jimmy “Look at My Gadget” Fallon has taken to the role of goofball after-The-Tonight-Show host, Jon “Say WHAAAAT!?” Stewart covers political humor and Stephen “Even I Don’t Take This Seriously” Colbert has a lock on mockery, so O’Brien can work his niche accordingly.

Playing one off the other here, as NBC is doing, provides a ratings boost and then built-in buzz for O’Brien’s next step. This, I’m behind. As long as he moves to a Hulu-friendly network… (who can stay up that late nowadays?)

* You may have noticed I didn’t even make a case for Conan’s staying at The Tonight Show or moving to another network or just retiring. I’m that good.

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