Archive for the ‘haha’ Category
a grammar lesson: »
Wednesday, September 16th, 2009
There are many differences betwixt the UK and US. Many are good, like the US becoming obsessed with hygienic marketing and washing themselves often, including their teeth. Some are bad, like the UK having few domestic resources.
Others, the ones I pay attention to, are hilarious. Coffee vs Tea, when everyone knows they’re both terrible. Right- vs Left-side driving because all drivers are terrible, distracted and dangerous. Yards (only us) vs Meters (everyone else).
Or our “shared” language: Did you know “color” has a “u”? Or “gray” is “grey”? And then there’s punctuation within quotations. What a cluster that is, right?
For those who went to public school and/or are young enough to fail through No Child Left Behind, here’s a refresher, brought to you by Tina Blue:
[Regarding question marks or exclamation points:] If it is part of the quotation itself, we put it inside the quotation marks, and if it governs the sentence as a whole but not the material being quoted, we put it outside the quotation marks.*
Simple, right?, but what about periods and commas, you (don’t) ask?
Universal American usage places commas and periods inside the quotation marks, regardless of logic… [except] when that last little item enclosed in quotation marks is just a letter or a number, in which case the period or comma will go outside the closing quotation marks.
Notice the “Universal American” specified there? That’s because the UK doesn’t throw that bit of huh into things. Commas and periods are placed the same as our question marks and exclamation points.
She explains this became the standard because of typesetting errors. Then she says: “But apparently only American printers were more attached to convenience than logic, since British printers continued to risk the misalignment of their periods and commas.”**
This “convenience for logic” sacrifice may explain a great many things. However… we’re passionate, misinformed, uneducated and overfed so we think we can shop our way out of recession and oil is magically infinite. (More proof of latter statement, via DC.)
All and all, we have better teeth (stereotypically), so things are going quite well.
* For those that text: add the string of exclamation points (I knw, u r totes crzy, yo!!!) after the quotations unless you’re quoting someone else’s string of exclamation points (cuz OMG they’z stoked 2, yo!!), where they should go within the quotes. In either case you’re an idiot.
** You can take this grammar advice however you like because she used “since” instead of the correct, “because” (or similar) in this case. As you likely missed it, move along and try reading something heavier than the Twilight series. (It’ll be hard at first but sound out the big words, “thorough,” for instance, and you’ll be fine.)
Photo Courtesy: I Love Typography
ran a marathon. sort of. »
Tuesday, May 5th, 2009
(973): On a scale from 0 to 24…wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
via Text From Last Night (Amazing site.)
Of course, we all know I’m quite the runner. But I’m talking now of television marathons. I’ve been catching up on series. House M.D., Breaking Bad and Dexter to name a few. These were all amazing (especially the last) but solo experiments.
Then, Sunday, Girlfriend threw on the breathable jersey and nylon shorts to join me for Weeds. This, for the record, was at least semi-voluntary because she was ill. If you haven’t seen it, at least give it a shot.
It occurs to me that a newly widowed suburban mother of two selling pot on the sly fits into a strong theme. All the shows mentioned involve secret lives and two are about drug dealers. (Except for House. Which is awesome.) I won’t read into that further.
With experience under my metaphorical (because I often wear elastic-banded pants nowadays) belt I can lend some smarts to you, my dear readers. There’s a delicate science* to a television marathon.
- First: never leave without at least two episodes under your belt. (Or three, if you’re watching half-hour offerings.)
- Second: remember to drop all attempts at productivity before starting. (You’ll just be fooling yourself.)
- Third: all good television is better in marathon form. Be warned you’ll start to twitch during standard commercial breaks.
- Four: marathoning anything from ABC or CW will give you retina cancer. (Don’t ask me why, it just is.**)
* I don’t deal in science. Only the black arts.
** Yes, that includes Lost, freaks.
can we ditch the labs? »
Tuesday, April 7th, 2009
Having nothing but time, I’ve been watching a lot of television off peak hours. This (because advertisers are misogynist pricks living three decades ago) means I’ve reached my housewares-ad quota for the month in three days.
One particular type of commercial has me wondering… do we still need to test paper towels in a lab? Where is this lab? Who gets paid to hold a paper towel under a running faucet? Why don’t I have a that job?
All that aside, why not create an actual thoughtful campaign based on need that happens to involve your quilted product?
Here’s one off the top of my head. New Orleans is probably still, in some places, dirty as hell. Get a group of volunteers, bus down and get footage of people using your paper towels to wipe ick off abandoned shelves.
Cut the footage, add a promo piece to the finish and air it to all the (you assume) housewives. They’ll eat that up like baby smiles. And (bonus!) you won’t look like an idiot wiping a pre-made puddle of no-one-knows from a too-blue ambiguous surface.
Something tells me you’ll have more credibility after cleaning a real mess, not one created by some kid spraying orange soda all over his mom who sprays him back with water. ‘Cause… you know… that happens. (Duh.)
as if you need another reason… »
Friday, April 3rd, 2009
… to think Ann Coulter was an absolute moron. There are few people more intent on sounding chaotically stupid than this woman. Read her latest column at HumanEvents.com (two things: how terrible is that name? and since when do conservatives need an underground?).
No, seriously. Read it.
Okay… valid statements right? Sure. Until (and most of you know this) you realize the article she’s basing these bold assumptions on was clearly an April Fool’s joke. I wouldn’t expect you to, though, because even she, a hard-nosed, fact-hound, missed it.
This woman sells millions of books. People actually look to her as an intellectual guide. Her vitriolic words are held in high regard to parts of our nation. It (among a dozen other things) concerns me she failed to realize something so glaringly obvious.
Regardless of your education or ideology, anyone that thinks this woman credible should take a moment to clear their empty heads. Rush Limbaugh is obviously a blowhard idiot. Bill O’Reilly is an ignorant bully. And Ann should be among them, recognized as the baffoon she is.
How was your April Fools day? I’m sure if you agreed with the finer points (there aren’t any) of Coulter’s article, you’re likely amazed Google came up with CADIE without warning or are wondering when the eyeCamera 4.1 will hit Circuit City.
One can only hope her readers, Limbaugh’s listeners and O’Reilly’s viewers are a too-vocal minority. Because if their ilk are the real majority, we’re in more trouble than a lead car fishtailing into the final lap. (If you know what I mean.) (What do I mean?)
Thanks @ConvincingIndie for the tip.
4.1: when dorks come to play »
Wednesday, April 1st, 2009
If you’re connected to the interwebs (via USB, dial-up or bio-microchip), you’ve likely seen the geektastic offerings for this first of April. I could do the same, but that it’s snowing is joke enough for me.
Instead, here’s a rundown of a few choice celebratory items:
- Google puts Gmail on autopilot
For some reason the dorks at Goog go nuts for 4.1 and this is no different. It comes with entertaining copy and is a funny idea. The bit under “match your personal style” is top notch. (Bravo Goog-ites.) - Woot makes a vague statement about consumerism (maybe)
I like the idea of this more than I like it. (If you no what I mean.*) - And then they fail miserably with CADIE
What in the hell are you thinking? I couldn’t tell you because I can’t make it two paragraphs in without my neurons collapsing at the side of the track vomiting blood. - Identi.ca acquires Twitter
In a too-many-won’t-care move, Control Yourself reports their micro-blogging platform has purchased Twitter. The quote from “unnamed exec” at the end is priceless. (Literally?) - Reddit looks like Digg
And the three of you laugh… and laugh… and laugh… - “It’s like Flickr but for your nose.”
For those that double over in laughter at the dorkness of irony or over-the-top boring, this is for you. The fragrances and “icons” shown are obscure to 98% of the population. (The joke of the frangrance/icon combonations make that about 99.27%.) - Kodak releases eyeCamera 4.1
Kodak still makes cameras? - Flights to Mars from Expedia
The idea is… ish but the math is hilarious. Parts of the rest of the copy are entertaining too. (More than I can say for CADIE, that bastard panda.) - Finally a search engine built exclusively for Fox News anchors and viewers
“Tired of being inundated with the contradictory and offensive beliefs of others? Today, the scientists at Yahoo! are releasing a groundbreaking new search filter…” (Priceless.) - Top Gear comes to Hulu
This one is so close to my heart it actually feels like a vice grip on my aorta. (Lift my spirits and then crush them like so many PBR cans.)
There are many more examples of nerds making barely-known references to arcane at TechCrunch. (They’re updating their list as more come in, unlike me.) Enjoy.
* You don’t. Because it doesn’t make any sense.