Archive for the ‘haha’ Category
the ideal i[Tab] user »
Monday, February 1st, 2010
Friday I mentioned a reason I’m not getting an i[Tab].* I’ve had some time to think about it and am still not in the market for such things. Instead, I’ll explain who is in the market for such things. The ideal people that will buy an i[Tab]…
… have never learned to type.
Hunt-peck is all you need and all you’d want with a keyboard that’s ergonomically useless. In fact, better they’ve never used a keyboard. They’ll be impressed with the non-responsiveness of it.
… haven’t bought a television in three… err, seven years (let’s be safe).
Any more recent and they’ll have seen widescreen format. Those familiar black bars at the top and bottom will remind them of home no matter where they are.
Aside: Why not make it widescreen in landscape mode? Disable the touch on the sides and dim those portions to black when in portrait mode. Apps could still develop for the fullscreen format but why not cater to those that want a sweet as video player? Disappointed!
… love iTunes.
For as much as you have to use iTunes to maintain any media on the i[Tab], they’ll have to be über fans. Maybe to the point they feed their kids with it.
And finally, they have to be old enough, mature enough or dim enough not to comprehend the glaring double meaning in the under-thought name. I mean, the jokes are endless. (Thus excluding anyone on Twitter.)
Essentially, I’m describing your grandmother. Yes, the i[Tab] is cool and will be popular but only because of the idea of it. In reality it does quite a few things adequately but nothing well.
It’s a cumbersome music player, a poorly designed video player (widescreen!), an unfortunate book reader and an unintuitive (zoom much?) browsing machine. But, it will sell because Apple aims for the market that should exist, not the one that does.
It paves the way for a future of “automatic” computing but that’s not the market I fall into. My parents had the desktop and I have a notebook; maybe this is the next stage of computation but it’ll take a minute for me to jump on board.
* I refuse, at least digitally, to refer to this thing with the absurd, marketing misstep name Apple provides.
friday free for all »
Friday, January 29th, 2010
… As of yesterday, I’ve been working as a contractor for seven weeks. By Monday afternoon, I will have moved into three different cubes; spent about fifty hours on-bus; worked past 8p twice, on three different computers and three sites; and haven’t been paid. (You read that correctly.)
After a particularly long (cou*12 hour*gh) day, I received a pitch about the many benefits and great things about signing up full-time. I was not impressed and, as my newfound stability isn’t all that stable, am still unimpressed. (I’m scheduled for a check on the 15th, as their accounting system defaults to a 60 day wait.)
… (Speaking of unimpressed.) The Apple i[Tab] (what an incredibly terrible name) was introduced Wednesday and will ship in two months. Some people will find a use for it but until I can justify paying for books instead of the library (on top of some UX choices), I’m out. My next Mac will be the Mini that runs my television after the move.
… Yesterday was my sister’s twenty-second birthday. We went to the restaurant she suggested and had a pretty great time. Afterward, Girlfriend, two friend and I went to a show. After a drink or two and waiting in line for about fifteen minutes, the power went out.
About a half-hour later someone told us they were getting information for refunds; thirty seconds after that the lights went back on. Roma di Luna‘s (if you’re not listening to them, you should be) set was cut short for time and we left before the headlining act. I’m fully exhausted today.
… and finally:
This is the first FFFA since a month and a half after I was unceremoniously and involuntarily removed from my former place of employment. Since has been a whirlwind. I very much enjoyed my summer but didn’t enjoy the finance-related stress.
I’m now actively looking for work in Chicago and if any of the threes of you dear readers know of anyone that could help, please let me know. I’d love to find a local job board or hear about some specific places looking to hire.
Thanks in advance. You’re all glorious beacons of light in this dark, dark world. Well, most of you.
the hilarity of ‘powder’ »
Monday, January 25th, 2010
I finally sat down and watched Powder. The movie aside for a moment, I was astounded by how hilarious the premise is. (Bear in mind, the writer subsequently wrote two Jeepers Creepers movies.)
If you haven’t seen the movie and would like to, do not read on. I won’t waste time avoiding spoilers.
Jeremy “Powder” Reed is a higher-evolved being because his mother was hit by lightening with him in the womb. An expert in high-school level theory, Donald Ripley (Jeff Goldblum!), his science teacher, makes this assertion without hesitation. He should have hesitated.
There are ideas about what humans would be like if they used all of their entire brain instead of the ape-like ten percent or so (we use more, but not simultaneously). It’s not possible for many reasons but here’s one…
We adapted the ability to use tools and language to survive scarcity. We don’t have that. In fact, we have abundance and we’re still wasting it. Humans are dim, simplistic and lack foresight.
Natural selection, Intelligent Design, the Logos, God or however you define it made us this way. We aren’t supposed to realize we’re part of nature or that our planet is dying. We’re special in that we think we’re special.
So, for someone like Powder to exist, we’d only need a few periods of unparalleled scarcity, right? Nope.
It’s unlikely we’d ever advance past the point of ignorant, belligerent ape. Even with the rudimentary tools we’ve been given we dominate the planet. We idiots are the supreme species so there’s no need to adapt to anything more.
There can be improvement, sure. We can realize we can no longer wage war, address commonality in culture instead of differences and educate our children. Or even consider ourselves part of nature, acting accordingly.
You probably know from current events or Us Weekly, we do none of this. In fact, there’s a growing movement desperately against any of this. Which makes the ideas behind Powder all the more hilarious.
As a romantic comedy between teenager and cloud, it’s stellar. (See what I did there?) As a movie, it’s entertaining. As an idea, it’s horrid and absurd. Then again, it’s more likely than a winged beast that feeds every so often on somewhat-attractive teenagers or Justin Long.
dear craigslist spams, »
Wednesday, November 18th, 2009
You’re tactics need some work. While I appreciate your efforts in using absurd, but thankfully different, email addresses, your content has grown tiresome. Please adjust in order to further discourage me in my attempts to sell my now-unneeded PC notebook.
For your convenience, I now list some of your more redundant attempts to separate me from my barely-there cash reserves. (I make no apologies for using your real emails because your inability to use even kindergarten-level grammar offends me.) Thanks.
mariscly@gmail.com:
[after initial inquiry and my quick response]
It’s nice to hear back from you, well I’m about to send you a mail on how we are going to meet later today so i can pay you in cash but I am sorry i wouldn’t be able to make it for the pickup as i have already had in mind to do later today due to the urgent call i just receive from my boss that i have to represent the company on a business issue right away and i will be away for 2 weeks.To show my readiness to have the item for my son as birthday gift,and also not to loose the item to another person,i am offering an additional payment of $200 which will cover the shipping to my son via US Postal Service and the payment will be made through my paypal account.So kindly send me your paypal email or you send me a payment request through paypal so i can proceed with the payment asap.And in case you don’t have a paypal account,i would suggest you open an account with paypal and you can read more on www.paypal.com… I hope to read from you soon and if you have any question,please do let me know.
I almost get it… are you being paid by PayPal? Because you should be.
johnnymoreu@gmail.com:
Thanks for the mail…i was introduced to this site by a friend at
work and i will like immediate purchase of this item for my Niece
‘Bella’ who is away of the state and been requesting for this item…i
will offer you $1050 including the shipping charges to her..there
because she is in need of it as a matter of urgency and due to my work
i don’t have time to handle the shipping..i will want you to help me
handle the shipping very well to her..Get back to me with your
confirmed PayPal email address so that i can send the payment now..
Get back to me a.s.a.p…
Have to wonder why Craigslist warns about PayPal requests, shipping and money orders…
lendfrand2@gmail.com:
IS THE ITEM STILL AVAILABLE?[response]
lendfrand2@gmail.com:
I’m interested in the immediate purchase of this item i will be paying you a sum of $950 i will want to complete the transaction in a very timely manner and i will like you to ship out the item through via USPS EMS SPEEDPOST if you can do this,email me with your paypal id so that i can proceed with payment right away.let me quickly say that i will be sending this unit to my son in WEST AFRICA ,he need this item urgent for his birthday gift,i will be happy if u can email me back now…[response]
lendfrand2@gmail.com:
for the reply,actuelly i live at California,and i would have come for the pick up but am not in the state right now and i want you to do me a favour by sending this item to my son in west africa cuz he needs it for his birthday gift,but if you dont have an account do log on to www.paypal.com and get back to me with email address that you use sothat i can proceed with the payment asap.
You’re in California and your son is in “WEST AFRICA” but you’re trolling MSP listings? Smart.
frankjms7@gmail.com:
Is this item still available,what of the condition.[response]
franklrr3@gmail.com (Notice the different email? Brilliant move.):
Thanks for your response and am glad to know that it is still for
sale.However i have few questions on the products you are selling.1,I would like to know the reason you are selling it…?
2,What is the current condition of the item..?
3,What is your price, though am alright with the listed price..?
4,Do you have the original box and the receipt for it ..?
5,Would you please allow me to pay through PayPal even though i will
be responsible for the fees of the shipping(i will add $200.00),Am out
of town to visit my sick grandma and i would like to purchase it from
you on behalf of my friend whose who needs this.If you do not have a
PayPal account, you can do so by going to www.PayPal.com and set up
your account it is free,easy and guarantee transaction safety.Once you
send me your PayPal email account, I will send you the payment for
your item as well as some money to cover the shipping via USPS Global
Express (3-5days). I would be glad if my request is favorably
considered.
Thank you..
I like this one. Start with a few reasonable, near-human inquiries before jumping into the bullshit. Kudos. Still no.
gnptty577723@aol.com:
Hello Seller,
Is your posting still for sale
RegardsMe: It is. Are you interested? Have any questions?
gnptty577723@aol.com:
Thanks for the mail…im glad to read from you and i want to get it for my kid in hi school abroad, he said he need it as i have to get it for him cos i dont want him to get mad at me i only got Paypal account in which i have money on it and it easy to transfer the fund to yours…so kindly get back to me with your Paypal account info to facilitate the payment first thing today and i will be adding extra $100 for you to send it off to his address,And i will transfer the fund immediately i got your paypal email. so kindly get back to me with your PayPal email address so that i can proceed with the payment for the item and the shipment can be attended to as soon as possible..
RegardMe: I don’t deal with paypal. Sorry for the inconvenience.
gnptty577723@aol.com:
Many thanks for the response……I will advise you to set up paypal account.,paypal is easy,secure and fast way to send and receive money online.Just go to www.paypal.com and register there and get back to me with your paypal email address after you had registered there.okay..I will be expecting your quick response.I live outside the area,so i will need your zip code so i can calculate the shipping cost and pay for you.okay
Thanks
Who in their right mind still believes anything coming from an AOL account? Really? (Spam like it’s 1998.)
nhandsome02@gmail.com:
Hello,I just wanna know if this item is still up for sale and how
much its gonna cost me to get it.
Thanks
Didn’t even justify that one with a response.
tameralewis02@gmail.com:
Do you still have the item for sale,sold or you already dealing with a potential buyer.?[response]
pj064real@gmail.com (again, a separate email):
Thanks for your reply and am glad to know that it is still available for sale.However i have few questions on the product you are selling.
1,I would like to know the reason you are selling it?
2,What is the current condition of the item ?
3,What is your firm price, though am okay with the listing price ?
4,Do you have the original box and the receipt for it ?
5,Do you mind if i pay through paypal even though i would cover the shipping because am currently not local at the moment,Am out of town participating in a research project and i would like to purchase this item from you on behalf of my colleague for the replacement of her crashed computer and i think this is the best thing i could buy her because she did the same when i lost my computer……If you do not have a PayPal account, you can do so by going to www.PayPal.com and set up your account it is free,easy and guarantees transaction safety.Once you send me your paypal email account, I will send you the payment for your item as well as $100 USD to cover shipping via USPS EXPRESS MAIL INTL.
I would be glad if my request is favorably considered.
Thanks
Not getting the response you want? Jumble all the spam ideas into one. Consolidation is the key to still being completely ignored.
stowill4reel@gmail.com:
Hello,am interested in your item let me know if is still available[response]
stowill4reel@gmail.com:
Thanks for the mail…Am really interested in your item and am buying it for one of my company agent in oversea and i will be paying $200 for the shipping via USPS, i will have come to pick it up but am out of town presently, and i will be paying via PayPal course PayPal is secure and safety and fast to send money online so get back to me with the item prize and and your PayPal email account so as to make the payment asap.
Can you believe how nice I’m still being? If only there were a real person getting these messages. We’d be friends.
mickyadrew4@gmail.com:
IS THE ITEM STILL AVAILABLE?Me: It is. Are you interested? (He says, knowing a poorly written algorithm is on the other end.)
mickyadrew4@gmail.com:
I’m interested in the immediate purchase of this item i will be paying you a sum of $900 i will want to complete the transaction in a very timely manner and i will like you to ship out the item through via USPS EMS SPEEDPOST if you can do this,email me with your paypal id so that i can proceed with payment right away.let me quickly say that i will be sending this unit to my son in WEST AFRICA ,he need this item urgent for his birthday gift,i will be happy if u can email me back now…Me: No thanks.
Why did I attach all these to a post? Did you even make it this far? (Congrats if you did.) I meant this post to convey the ridiculous frustration with opening these bogus and idiotic emails regularly. What did I do to deserve this?
I posted an item worth more than $200 on Craigslist.
It’s not worth it, people. It’s not worth it. For fun, and as thanks for making it this far, here’s my favorite…
butch_luvs_roger@hushmail.com (yes… hushmail…):
Oh! My husband’s laptop is so full of viruses that it is horrible!
I would LOVE to get him a new laptop! And with Windows 7!!!
WOW!! Today is my lucky day!My husbands computer virus is so horrible, it reminds me of when I
was diagnosed with AIDS…I keep living it over and
over….UUGH…Talk about taking it up the azz — literally!!I am currently unemployed and my husband is home recovering from
surgery (he had tears in his colon that had to be repaired). So,
we are a little short of money right now. Would you consider the
trade of a lifetime? I have a 16″ Craftsman chainsaw AND a
beautiful 6 foot garden statue that I would love to trade for
your laptop.The details for the Chainsaw are:
Like I said, it is a Craftsman 16″. It worked beautifully until my
husband (before his surgery) ran E-85 in it and it appears to have
given the chainsaw’s engine a permanent stiffy.The details for the Statue:
It is 6 feet tall and is absolutely beautiful! I get goosebumps
every time I look at it – it is so lifelike. It is entitled “Naked
Man Poops Out Gerbil” and is surely a wonderful addition to
anyone’s outdoor retreat!Please e-mail me back with your phone number. Some of my guy
friends said they will help me deliver the statue.Cheers!
Roger
Please, spamming morons, heed this last one, as it at least entertained before it was completely ignored.
If any of you know anyone that could use a 17″ HP notebook that’s running Windows 7 and runs well, get at me. I’d be much obliged to stop these stupid correspondences from showing up in my inbox.
global warming: solved »
Monday, October 5th, 2009
You may think it odd I can make such a claim, solving the prevailing issue of our days. We haven’t met, call me Draynd.
Anyway… For all those with smog-filled dreams, fret not. I have good news. (Of sorts.) Global warming is likely unavoidable but the blow will be softened. By oil.
Well, technically the lack of it. Black gold has turned Econ majors into bumbling morons. Demand has garnered no supply and has failed to produce viable alternatives, as predicted.
Here are a few fun notes:
- Four million barrels per day (BPD) less come out of the ground each year.
- There are no new worthwhile reserves to make that up (much less add to it to meet demand).
- Producing countries are fudging reserve estimates (probably because their production quotas are based on them).
- ANWR won’t produce 800k BPD until 2028 (even if all environmentalists are shot tomorrow). The US currently consumes 19 million BPD.
- More natural gas use means wells are losing pressure with maturity, proving we’re almost out of dino-puddles.
- Off-shore drilling is a pipe dream (har har) with rigs that barely stand up to category three storms.
- Gulf drills are still producing 250k less BPD than they were before Katrina.
- Producing countries are using more and more oil themselves, reducing exports.
Wind and solar power are far too inefficient. Any talk of hydrogen as fuel should be muted by its exponential cost and that it takes more energy to produce it than it provides, rendering it useless.
(Ethanol is too big a joke to laugh at here. Food costs, scarcity, nutrient and resource depletion, etc. Every subsidized ounce ruins our future. Rapidly.)
Food will be more expensive, exported jobs may return and travel will be cost prohibitive (any variety). “Think global, buy local” will be reality (not a hipster, ironic t-shirt slogan).
Cheap energy looks more like the last bits of milk shake than the mile-high gushers. With it goes the wholesale polluting that started the climate change mess and it will probably slow before the worst comes.
Global warming averted. World saved. What’s next?
Photo courtesy GreenPeace.org