Archive for the ‘haha’ Category
the scene, politically speaking »
Friday, March 26th, 2010
Okay, so we have health care reform. It’s change, maybe, but more like my changing from jeans to khakis after landing a contract position than overhauling my wardrobe (which, admittedly, may need some work).
Where does that leave us? Here’s a look at the political climate as I’ve gleaned from lack of insight and caring very little…
Republicans:
Are idiots. But, with this new bill and some other factors (complete dolts as base; distaste for facts, reality and history; a powerful but shrinking upper-upper-upper class; etc.) they may balance things come fall. They’ll maintain their hate-speak to ensure their ignorance aligns with their ignorant base.¹
Democrats:
Are morons. They could have pushed through real reform but were distracted by sand in their vaginas (I imagine). They forfeited nearly all of their ideas (and all of their good ones) and still barely eked out a majority. They’ve weakened their position, which is apparently how they like it.
The President:
Belligerence is tossed in his face and he wants to sit down and talk about it. Then he agrees with most of the poorly-formed points and suggests changes. That sort of discussion is thoughtful, constructive and progressive but he’s the only one who believes in such things. (More sound-bites, sir. Please. The idiots are confused.)
Pundits: (err… “Media”)
They play both sides against each other in a battle of sound bites. While a battle of wits would be more suiting and could benefit us in the long-run, wits are hard to find just now. They’ll go the easy route and let stupid people verbally wail on each other betwixt commercials.
Ron Paul:
With all of his ideas stolen by the Tea Party, then by Fox News and still being shunned by Fox News, he’s fading. Expect him to only last another seven or twelve terms before he retires. (Career politics, while ineffective and regressive, is incredibly gracious.)
Tea Party:
If anyone from this movement is elected, all members (are we calling them “colonists” yet?)² will become infertile like that one country in Children of Men. (::fingers crossed::)
Health Care Industry:
Two words: Cha! Ching! With all the forced profits enhanced enrollment, without any substantial regulation, revoked exemption from trust laws or rejection of the pay-per-service model, things are looking good. (If you have any health stocks, keep them. You’ll need them.)
… That said, the Blues could add functioning health reform to their bill with a series of amendments. The media could shift focus (with the iPad reminding people how to read and all) to collaborative and comprehensive coverage of issues. The Colonists could merge their message into coherent and realistic complaints, sparking debate and true compromise.
Of course, I could also grow my hair into dreads and start working for a hedge fund. Now that I’m eating vegetables and riding my bike to work, anything’s possible.³
¹ I don’t mean “ignorant.” I mean ignorant or grotesquely rich. It’s easier to lump them together.
² Wait, why aren’t we calling them Colonists? They’re racist, abysmally educated and misinformed, not unlike those that lived three centuries ago. The name fits.
³ This is not possible.
survival of the fittest, valentine’s »
Friday, February 12th, 2010
Dear ladies. You’re adorable and you smell nice and your hair looks great that way. That said, go away. Seriously, I’m about to toss down some wisdom you want no part of. If you remain, I take no responsibility for your opinion of me thereafter (it’ll still be outstanding).
Valentine’s is a frightening time. The pressure from those that profit on it is immense. The strongest of women, independent, free thinking and confident, are reduced to sappy sods mid-February, ready to lash out at any lapse in what commercials tell them is love.
Guys. If you’re lucky enough to have a better half, most of you know the perils of the fake-smile slathered near-gift you tried to hand over. You probably know the “thought over cost” save that your fathers passed on, as theirs passed to them. Here I’m talk to leaving work the Friday before Valentine’s without an earful of gush or, probably, guilt.
Depending on your chosen (or forced) occupation (or how you occupy your time), you may heed none of this. Those of you in IT or repairing radiators don’t really run into the fairer sex often. Others must tread lightly.
For those sharing cubes with hopeful-flower-recipients, here are a few tips.
Pretend it doesn’t exist.
This may seem simple but you’ll be reminded in every meeting, every chat around a microwave and any other encounter. When asked, make it seem as if you’re blind-sided. I don’t care if you have to do it fifteen times through the day. Each time you’ve never even heard of the idea of Valentine’s.
Avoid feminine flocks.
Just this afternoon, I entered the lunch room, grabbed a sandwich and noticed a table nearly filled with some women I know and others I don’t. I sat to the corner by myself and enjoyed (sort of) my meal. Walking into a roundtable interrogation like that is hazardous to your health. (Fox News wishes Guantanamo were as intense.)
Make something up.
Maybe those first two didn’t work and you’re roped into some long-winded discussion with a women who’s filling your brain with all her PG fantasies. Here, you make something up. Tell her you’re taking your girlfriend to Vegas because she loves sadness and blown savings. Tell her you’re proposing, whether you plan to, never will or already have. Tell her you bought her ten grand in diamonds because she hates Africans and loves manipulated markets. It doesn’t matter.
Above all, make your ladyfriend happy.
Do the ladies at work really matter? No (unless of course you work with your girlfriend). Then nothing said here will help you in the least. Mostly, just make your girlfriend glad she’s with you.
If you’re not doing that all year or have to be reminded by terrible commercials and a deluge of Facebook ads for flower delivery, you’re a dick. You deserve all the girly grilling you get and much worse.
the ideal i[Tab] user »
Monday, February 1st, 2010
Friday I mentioned a reason I’m not getting an i[Tab].* I’ve had some time to think about it and am still not in the market for such things. Instead, I’ll explain who is in the market for such things. The ideal people that will buy an i[Tab]…
… have never learned to type.
Hunt-peck is all you need and all you’d want with a keyboard that’s ergonomically useless. In fact, better they’ve never used a keyboard. They’ll be impressed with the non-responsiveness of it.
… haven’t bought a television in three… err, seven years (let’s be safe).
Any more recent and they’ll have seen widescreen format. Those familiar black bars at the top and bottom will remind them of home no matter where they are.
Aside: Why not make it widescreen in landscape mode? Disable the touch on the sides and dim those portions to black when in portrait mode. Apps could still develop for the fullscreen format but why not cater to those that want a sweet as video player? Disappointed!
… love iTunes.
For as much as you have to use iTunes to maintain any media on the i[Tab], they’ll have to be über fans. Maybe to the point they feed their kids with it.
And finally, they have to be old enough, mature enough or dim enough not to comprehend the glaring double meaning in the under-thought name. I mean, the jokes are endless. (Thus excluding anyone on Twitter.)
Essentially, I’m describing your grandmother. Yes, the i[Tab] is cool and will be popular but only because of the idea of it. In reality it does quite a few things adequately but nothing well.
It’s a cumbersome music player, a poorly designed video player (widescreen!), an unfortunate book reader and an unintuitive (zoom much?) browsing machine. But, it will sell because Apple aims for the market that should exist, not the one that does.
It paves the way for a future of “automatic” computing but that’s not the market I fall into. My parents had the desktop and I have a notebook; maybe this is the next stage of computation but it’ll take a minute for me to jump on board.
* I refuse, at least digitally, to refer to this thing with the absurd, marketing misstep name Apple provides.
friday free for all »
Friday, January 29th, 2010
… As of yesterday, I’ve been working as a contractor for seven weeks. By Monday afternoon, I will have moved into three different cubes; spent about fifty hours on-bus; worked past 8p twice, on three different computers and three sites; and haven’t been paid. (You read that correctly.)
After a particularly long (cou*12 hour*gh) day, I received a pitch about the many benefits and great things about signing up full-time. I was not impressed and, as my newfound stability isn’t all that stable, am still unimpressed. (I’m scheduled for a check on the 15th, as their accounting system defaults to a 60 day wait.)
… (Speaking of unimpressed.) The Apple i[Tab] (what an incredibly terrible name) was introduced Wednesday and will ship in two months. Some people will find a use for it but until I can justify paying for books instead of the library (on top of some UX choices), I’m out. My next Mac will be the Mini that runs my television after the move.
… Yesterday was my sister’s twenty-second birthday. We went to the restaurant she suggested and had a pretty great time. Afterward, Girlfriend, two friend and I went to a show. After a drink or two and waiting in line for about fifteen minutes, the power went out.
About a half-hour later someone told us they were getting information for refunds; thirty seconds after that the lights went back on. Roma di Luna‘s (if you’re not listening to them, you should be) set was cut short for time and we left before the headlining act. I’m fully exhausted today.
… and finally:
This is the first FFFA since a month and a half after I was unceremoniously and involuntarily removed from my former place of employment. Since has been a whirlwind. I very much enjoyed my summer but didn’t enjoy the finance-related stress.
I’m now actively looking for work in Chicago and if any of the threes of you dear readers know of anyone that could help, please let me know. I’d love to find a local job board or hear about some specific places looking to hire.
Thanks in advance. You’re all glorious beacons of light in this dark, dark world. Well, most of you.
the hilarity of ‘powder’ »
Monday, January 25th, 2010
I finally sat down and watched Powder. The movie aside for a moment, I was astounded by how hilarious the premise is. (Bear in mind, the writer subsequently wrote two Jeepers Creepers movies.)
If you haven’t seen the movie and would like to, do not read on. I won’t waste time avoiding spoilers.
Jeremy “Powder” Reed is a higher-evolved being because his mother was hit by lightening with him in the womb. An expert in high-school level theory, Donald Ripley (Jeff Goldblum!), his science teacher, makes this assertion without hesitation. He should have hesitated.
There are ideas about what humans would be like if they used all of their entire brain instead of the ape-like ten percent or so (we use more, but not simultaneously). It’s not possible for many reasons but here’s one…
We adapted the ability to use tools and language to survive scarcity. We don’t have that. In fact, we have abundance and we’re still wasting it. Humans are dim, simplistic and lack foresight.
Natural selection, Intelligent Design, the Logos, God or however you define it made us this way. We aren’t supposed to realize we’re part of nature or that our planet is dying. We’re special in that we think we’re special.
So, for someone like Powder to exist, we’d only need a few periods of unparalleled scarcity, right? Nope.
It’s unlikely we’d ever advance past the point of ignorant, belligerent ape. Even with the rudimentary tools we’ve been given we dominate the planet. We idiots are the supreme species so there’s no need to adapt to anything more.
There can be improvement, sure. We can realize we can no longer wage war, address commonality in culture instead of differences and educate our children. Or even consider ourselves part of nature, acting accordingly.
You probably know from current events or Us Weekly, we do none of this. In fact, there’s a growing movement desperately against any of this. Which makes the ideas behind Powder all the more hilarious.
As a romantic comedy between teenager and cloud, it’s stellar. (See what I did there?) As a movie, it’s entertaining. As an idea, it’s horrid and absurd. Then again, it’s more likely than a winged beast that feeds every so often on somewhat-attractive teenagers or Justin Long.