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ran a marathon. sort of.

Tuesday, May 5th, 2009

(973): On a scale from 0 to 24…wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
via Text From Last Night (Amazing site.)

Of course, we all know I’m quite the runner. But I’m talking now of television marathons. I’ve been catching up on series. House M.D., Breaking Bad and Dexter to name a few. These were all amazing (especially the last) but solo experiments.

Then, Sunday, Girlfriend threw on the breathable jersey and nylon shorts to join me for Weeds. This, for the record, was at least semi-voluntary because she was ill. If you haven’t seen it, at least give it a shot.

It occurs to me that a newly widowed suburban mother of two selling pot on the sly fits into a strong theme. All the shows mentioned involve secret lives and two are about drug dealers. (Except for House. Which is awesome.) I won’t read into that further.

With experience under my metaphorical (because I often wear elastic-banded pants nowadays) belt I can lend some smarts to you, my dear readers. There’s a delicate science* to a television marathon.

  • First: never leave without at least two episodes under your belt. (Or three, if you’re watching half-hour offerings.)
  • Second: remember to drop all attempts at productivity before starting. (You’ll just be fooling yourself.)
  • Third: all good television is better in marathon form. Be warned you’ll start to twitch during standard commercial breaks.
  • Four: marathoning anything from ABC or CW will give you retina cancer. (Don’t ask me why, it just is.**)

* I don’t deal in science. Only the black arts.
** Yes, that includes Lost, freaks.

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can we ditch the labs?

Tuesday, April 7th, 2009

Having nothing but time, I’ve been watching a lot of television off peak hours. This (because advertisers are misogynist pricks living three decades ago) means I’ve reached my housewares-ad quota for the month in three days.

One particular type of commercial has me wondering… do we still need to test paper towels in a lab? Where is this lab? Who gets paid to hold a paper towel under a running faucet? Why don’t I have a that job?

All that aside, why not create an actual thoughtful campaign based on need that happens to involve your quilted product?

Here’s one off the top of my head. New Orleans is probably still, in some places, dirty as hell. Get a group of volunteers, bus down and get footage of people using your paper towels to wipe ick off abandoned shelves.

Cut the footage, add a promo piece to the finish and air it to all the (you assume) housewives. They’ll eat that up like baby smiles. And (bonus!) you won’t look like an idiot wiping a pre-made puddle of no-one-knows from a too-blue ambiguous surface.

Something tells me you’ll have more credibility after cleaning a real mess, not one created by some kid spraying orange soda all over his mom who sprays him back with water. ‘Cause… you know… that happens. (Duh.)

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as if you need another reason…

Friday, April 3rd, 2009

… to think Ann Coulter was an absolute moron. There are few people more intent on sounding chaotically stupid than this woman. Read her latest column at HumanEvents.com (two things: how terrible is that name? and since when do conservatives need an underground?).

No, seriously. Read it.

Okay… valid statements right? Sure. Until (and most of you know this) you realize the article she’s basing these bold assumptions on was clearly an April Fool’s joke. I wouldn’t expect you to, though, because even she, a hard-nosed, fact-hound, missed it.

This woman sells millions of books. People actually look to her as an intellectual guide. Her vitriolic words are held in high regard to parts of our nation. It (among a dozen other things) concerns me she failed to realize something so glaringly obvious.

Regardless of your education or ideology, anyone that thinks this woman credible should take a moment to clear their empty heads. Rush Limbaugh is obviously a blowhard idiot. Bill O’Reilly is an ignorant bully. And Ann should be among them, recognized as the baffoon she is.

How was your April Fools day? I’m sure if you agreed with the finer points (there aren’t any) of Coulter’s article, you’re likely amazed Google came up with CADIE without warning or are wondering when the eyeCamera 4.1 will hit Circuit City.

One can only hope her readers, Limbaugh’s listeners and O’Reilly’s viewers are a too-vocal minority. Because if their ilk are the real majority, we’re in more trouble than a lead car fishtailing into the final lap. (If you know what I mean.) (What do I mean?)

Thanks @ConvincingIndie for the tip.

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4.1: when dorks come to play

Wednesday, April 1st, 2009

If you’re connected to the interwebs (via USB, dial-up or bio-microchip), you’ve likely seen the geektastic offerings for this first of April. I could do the same, but that it’s snowing is joke enough for me.

Instead, here’s a rundown of a few choice celebratory items:

There are many more examples of nerds making barely-known references to arcane at TechCrunch. (They’re updating their list as more come in, unlike me.) Enjoy.

* You don’t. Because it doesn’t make any sense.

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dear God, 01101101*

Friday, March 27th, 2009
Simon Delivers!

holisticgeek via Flickr

These days you can practically do anything on the interweb. Be it grocery shopping, being an annoying friend or finding time between rounds of WOW to find someone to do your dishes, it’s all easier online.

Which brings me to this… (::shudder::)

Information Age Prayer

IAP (no matter your beliefs or lack of) is hilariously horrifying. (Here’s a little more from LiveScience.) For those anti-linkers out there, these goons, for as low as $3.95/mo, feed your prayer into their system and it’s read aloud using “text-to-speech synthesizers.” By computers.

Let me simplify. You pay, they pray… barely. Bonus, no refunds! Facking brilliant! For a few reasons. Your target users:

  • believe an Omnipresent cares in the slightest about his/her particular plight
  • aren’t internet-savvy enough to be turned away by your horrendous site design
  • are too lazy to fall onto his/her own knees, much less ask for a refund
  • are guaranteed to have dim, like-minded friends (word of mouth growth)
  • have at least $3.95 to pay for computer-read prayers instead of insurance/heating
  • are probably teaching their kids in their kitchen (repeat customers)
  • likely have a sphere of influence smaller than your dachshund (no angry tweets)

This is probably the best idea since the ambiguous, emotional branding that flooded us in the late 90s (Nikes won’t make you faster… they’ll make you happier!). How will people complain?

Complaining idiot customer: Sir! I gave your company $12 over the last two months. You claimed to pray for my chihuahua’s health. She only became worse, completely distraught and passed away three days ago! I demand my money back!

CSR: I can’t do that ma’am; the no-refund policy is clearly stated.

CC: But it didn’t WORK!

CSR: God works in mysterious ways, ma’am.

CC: G’damnit! ::click::

*Truncated. Full text: Dear God, 01101101 01100001 01101011 01100101 00100000 01101101 01100101 00100000 01100001 00100000 01100010 01101001 01110010 01100100 (or, “make me a bird”) (#nerd)

Cross-posted at SexDrugs&IntellectualFreedom

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eye ninety-four

Wednesday, March 4th, 2009

I was across state lines last week and will be again this week. While it’s the first time doing such things in back-to-back weekends, I’ve spent far too much time on I94 over the last eight years. (I could drive it in my sleep and have, once or twice.)

Saturday, I was handed a speeding citation. The fine was about $180. Unfortunately, I can’t seem to take the situation seriously. This could be for a few reasons…

  • I was pulled over by someone younger than me. It’s the first time that’s happened. Just the gravity of it had me internal-laughing for miles. (He even had to check with the other officer to be sure they could run a MasterCard. Adorable!)
  • I wasn’t necessarily going that fast. I accelerated to pass and was going just under 80mph (according to the speedometer), which is close to my usual speed in Deadzone, WI. He, apparently, clocked me at 81mph but rounded down to save me some cash.
  • As we neared the patrol car before he’d pulled out after us, the elder officer pointed at us emphatically and then to the side of the road. Repeatedly. This, for some reason, was hilarious. As if to say, “we got you, yes you, no really, you, definitely,” through exaggerated gestures (in a squeaky, pre-teen voice; imagined).
  • But most importantly, when averaged against the times I’ve sped along I94 since moving for school, the cost is negligible. In fact, (if I were to make up a number that sounds like an estimate) it’s probably cost me about $1.37 each time I jumped above 65mph.

I’m going to write in to maybe reduce the number of points taken but am unable to stress. This begs the question: is there an age where a speeding ticket is on par with finding another mole? Or is it just my history of traffic violations that has me seeing this as a non-issue?

Note: Considering the easy curves, relatively sporadic traffic and distance from cultured civilization, the stretch between Madison and Eau Claire (or even Minneapolis) should be set to at least 70mph during daylight.

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