I didn’t watch the Grammys. I had better things to do than watch LL Cool J and some old white dudes jerk themselves off. But! I have the internet and brandy so I watched the performances in Here Are the Performances You Need to See From Last Night’s Grammys and have things:
Beyoncé and Jay Z
You may not be as aware and informed as I am so let me elaborate on this. These two are married, not just paired for the performance. That’s why this is romantic, a match made in disingenuous hip-pop heaven. They’re like the cute version of Michael and Lisa Marie (which still creeps me out, FWIW).
Oh, and Beyoncé is a pop singer (and mom!), not a stripper. There may be some confusion after watching.
Katy Perry and Juicy J
From a mom building a legacy with her reasonable voice and delightful ass to the reigning pop princess with an over-produced voice and delightful boobs. It’s a lame performance of a current, if less popular, single while stealing the fashion cues of the only teens not buying her albums. She’s also not a stripper, which I only point out because there may be some confusion after watching.
I’m on board with this. Tay Tay (that can’t be right) knows how to leverage all the tweenage feels like no one else. She’s in her own weight class (partly because of the high metabolism of youth, I’d bet). Nice work.
Pink and Nate Ruess
I started this but I think it’s archival footage. Weird internet glitch, maybe?
Imagine Dragons and Kendrick Lamar
Thanks, NBC. Your having that crazy video game trailer as an ad for all of your shows last season means I waited to watch this to avoid the song in my head. But it was a bigger performance than just that Nickelbackian anthem. The start, where just T. Swift and Nameless Blonde Companion are having the time of their life in the awkward model dancer party and then all the damn smoke and then everyone, even the stodgies, on their feet—I still hate that song, but this performance was insane fun.
Daft Punk, Pharrell Williams, and Stevie Wonder
Pharrell’s hat should win a Grammy. This was just pure cocaine happiness. However, there should be a hard age gap on artists being seated within range of the dancing cameras. Mr Aerosmith, I’m mostly talking at you.
Carole King and Sara Bareilles
This could be the brandy, the vaguely dueling pianos, or the progeny talking, and I have not even the foggiest idea who either of these ladies are, but it’s outstanding. Short, sweet, and even more delightful than the aforementioned assets.
Macklemore and Ryan Lewis with Madonna
For a night, not unlike the Oscars in a few weeks, primarily meant to up LL’s Twitter following and where a small group of old white dudes prove they still don’t believe entire genres of music are legit, this is fucking epic. It’s riding a wave that is as contested as it is inevitable, but this is a big show to have such a grand statement. Incredible.
All that said, the performance itself was chaos and not all that impressive. Well, and Madonna is old.
I also had a chance to watch the Lorde performance. I have to admit some disappointment. She’s awesome and the song is pretty great, but the tone felt off and she came off jittery.