Archive for April, 2009

forty bucks and a forearm cramp

Thursday, April 30th, 2009

It’s finally over. Sort of. Yesterday, Girlfriend and I spent most of the day hauling various bits to the new stomping ground. Everything went fairly smoothly and it only came to about $40.

The cost effectiveness and physical exhaustion were necessary given my current situation. But throughout the day I was one spilled box from a panic attack. As that may sound absurd, please allow elaboration.

Back a bit ago, I moved furniture for less than a living wage and pathetic tips. It was not my finest hour. I spent some time packing on pounds working an office job and put it behind me. Until yesterday.

Every slow trip on the elevator, unsealed box or awkward strain to long-unused muscles took me back to slaving over other people’s things while they watched, paranoid, like bum-winged hawks with nothing better to do. (How’s that for a run-on?)

It was a horrifying experience not even close to worth it. I will find a way (selling organs? fluids?) to afford someone else moving my things. It’s not worth flashbacks to giant armoires, fire-proof safes or the throbbing of all my muscles screaming in anguish simultaneously.

Wait, what was I talking about? Oh. Right. I’m now closer to the action* so you’re up for meeting, drop me a line. Hmm… that doesn’t seem to be the point at all… whatever. It’s hard to keep a train of thought with a stack of boxes mocking you from the corner.

* herein meaning Lyle’s Liquor Lounge

i think i may be fasting

Tuesday, April 21st, 2009

With the benefits going on hiatus in a week or so, I got on the horn (that’s what old people call phones, which is ridiculous because they don’t even text) to the clinic. I made an appointment for a physical to be sure I won’t die before I get back on the “insured” bandwagon.

This was after I took twenty minutes to figure out the location of and phone number to my primary clinic. I attribute this to my not going often, having the memory of a horse (no idea what that means either) and being bureaucracy illiterate. But anyway…

So I’m on the phone with “Steve”* and went through all the background information. Then I scheduled an appointment. Then things went off the grid.

He mentioned something like this: “… Fast?… so they can test cholesterol?” I replied affirmative, closed out the call with an awkward “no problem” to his “thank you” and was instantly confused. I’m so great on the phone, I don’t even have to tell you.

Is there a test with a name that sounds like “fast” that’s related to cholesterol? Does that sound idiotic? Is the fact I hate doctors and love House MD sort of ironic?

In any case, to be safe, I’m not eating dinner tonight. This could get rough. Good thing it’s tomorrow a.m.

* For his protection and I can’t remember his name. Memory like a horse, as you recall.

hitch in the plan

Monday, April 20th, 2009

My job hunt has now expanded to Chicago or… well… anywhere, I guess, because my desperation has suddenly blossomed. Why you ask? Even after the fame of my burgeoning photography wealth is only just settling (and non-existent)?

I’ve been kicked out of the capitalist system and am awash in socialist frustration. My UI may be denied. This, obviously, was an unexpected blow to the spleen.

The next course of action is appeal. According to the notice, I can do this online. Golden, I’m there watching terrible television on Hulu anyway. But no. The log-in is disabled so now I have to call.

This is why universal health care will be ignored by 85% of everyone. There’s just not enough incentive in a free service to take on the tedium of government-sponsored services.

No one would want to waste their time on such things if rates for useful health care were reasonable. There would be incentive to have a job that pays for most of it too. Which brings me back to jobs…

I would love one. ::sigh::

Yes, that’s Mussolini, who was technically a Fascist leader. Still, the vast majority of the US doesn’t know the difference.

i’ve already forgotten the little people…

Friday, April 17th, 2009

Today, just after a delightful lunch with Girlfriend at Pizza LucĂ©, I found out a photo of mine was selected for an online travel guide I’ve never heard of. With that, my fame exploded and I’m now too cool for school. (That I haven’t been in school for three years matters little.)

As one of only a few dozen snaps that feature the Sydney Opera House, I will soon be hired by National Geographic (TinkTrace? A word of recommendation?) or its ilk for dozens of global photo shoots. It’ll be difficult to keep up with this lowly web offering as I’m featured in tabloids and any of the thousands of not-watched E! specials.

I know. I know.

For that I’m sorry. I know you all pine for my wit and candor and assorted other complimentary descriptors but I can’t be bothered to document my fame. It’s going to be far too stressful.

When it’s all faded and I’m desperate for any small ounce of recognition, I’ll message you on Facebook or @ you on Twitter. Until then, this is a fond farewell.

Of course, by all that, I mean I’m finally adjusting to the wonders of government-funded retirement and will likely get back to semi-regular posting next week. Oh… but my snap being selected is real though… so there’s that.

can we ditch the labs?

Tuesday, April 7th, 2009

Having nothing but time, I’ve been watching a lot of television off peak hours. This (because advertisers are misogynist pricks living three decades ago) means I’ve reached my housewares-ad quota for the month in three days.

One particular type of commercial has me wondering… do we still need to test paper towels in a lab? Where is this lab? Who gets paid to hold a paper towel under a running faucet? Why don’t I have a that job?

All that aside, why not create an actual thoughtful campaign based on need that happens to involve your quilted product?

Here’s one off the top of my head. New Orleans is probably still, in some places, dirty as hell. Get a group of volunteers, bus down and get footage of people using your paper towels to wipe ick off abandoned shelves.

Cut the footage, add a promo piece to the finish and air it to all the (you assume) housewives. They’ll eat that up like baby smiles. And (bonus!) you won’t look like an idiot wiping a pre-made puddle of no-one-knows from a too-blue ambiguous surface.

Something tells me you’ll have more credibility after cleaning a real mess, not one created by some kid spraying orange soda all over his mom who sprays him back with water. ‘Cause… you know… that happens. (Duh.)

as if you need another reason…

Friday, April 3rd, 2009

… to think Ann Coulter was an absolute moron. There are few people more intent on sounding chaotically stupid than this woman. Read her latest column at HumanEvents.com (two things: how terrible is that name? and since when do conservatives need an underground?).

No, seriously. Read it.

Okay… valid statements right? Sure. Until (and most of you know this) you realize the article she’s basing these bold assumptions on was clearly an April Fool’s joke. I wouldn’t expect you to, though, because even she, a hard-nosed, fact-hound, missed it.

This woman sells millions of books. People actually look to her as an intellectual guide. Her vitriolic words are held in high regard to parts of our nation. It (among a dozen other things) concerns me she failed to realize something so glaringly obvious.

Regardless of your education or ideology, anyone that thinks this woman credible should take a moment to clear their empty heads. Rush Limbaugh is obviously a blowhard idiot. Bill O’Reilly is an ignorant bully. And Ann should be among them, recognized as the baffoon she is.

How was your April Fools day? I’m sure if you agreed with the finer points (there aren’t any) of Coulter’s article, you’re likely amazed Google came up with CADIE without warning or are wondering when the eyeCamera 4.1 will hit Circuit City.

One can only hope her readers, Limbaugh’s listeners and O’Reilly’s viewers are a too-vocal minority. Because if their ilk are the real majority, we’re in more trouble than a lead car fishtailing into the final lap. (If you know what I mean.) (What do I mean?)

Thanks @ConvincingIndie for the tip.