Archive for November, 2008

friday free for all

Friday, November 28th, 2008

… Yesterday, after a fairly substantial lunch, I had a substantial dinner. I am now very much wallowing in my own glut.

… This morning, somewhere in New York, a thirty-four year old man was trampled to death outside a Wal-Mart (some photos). Fucking bullshit. Everyone says I need to be more positive. Fuck that.

If a mob of assholes can kill someone and continue to walk past, blindly trying to find discounts on severely discounted items, I can think the world’s going to shit. I think I’m more than justified. Prove me wrong.

… There were terrorist attacks on India. Major networks couldn’t get their inflated heads out of their ample asses. Instead (to give the impression they knew what they were doing) they started using an unknown man’s photos that they’d seen on blogs.

Vinu Ranganathan’s photos are intense. This is a positive moment for “citizen journalism” after a series of hilarious missteps. (Steve Jobs had a heart attack? Where’s my iPhone? Must. Tell. Everyone.) He has become overnight famous, in the right place at the wrong time.

If our media insists on reporting uninteresting nothing, emphasizing monuments and waiting for intriguing, trite human interest stories to react, we’ll need more like Vinu. We need perspective and context but the media ignores that too, so knee-jerk, quick response images and tweets will have to do.

thoughts on: the happening

Thursday, November 27th, 2008

Happy Turkeyday folks. Hope you’re enjoying it with all those you love, most adore and the assholes or creeps that come with them. Also, tryptophan-induced drowsy is a myth. If someone uses that as a lame zing, call him/her on it.

Anyway, on to the dismantling of a pathetic offering from that one dude with the plot twists. (May contain spoilers! If you care.)

M. Night Shyamalan needs to sort his shit out. The main selling point of this one was that it was rated “R” (odd, given it’s at pre-middle school comprehension) and that he directed Sixth Sense (1999) and Signs (2002). Which proves he couldn’t care less what he’s doing anymore. As long as it more or less fits in the formula:

Big name, mediocre-to-lame actor + lesser known, better actor + random, hollow idea thought of recently while reading/watching television – quality writing + himself + glaring clues + “twist” ending based on said clues = Hollywood gold.

How that applies: Mark Wahlberg + Zooey Deschanel (though she’s not so hot in this) + mysteriously dying bees, plant chemicals – silence (filled with blah instead) + voice of random dude + pronounced wind, ridiculous hippies, entire first scene of Wahlberg teaching, etc. + (well, technically there wasn’t a twist, just yawn) = $30mill opening weekend.

A look at the numbers tells the story. After the first two weekends, no one wanted to see it. That’s word of mouth. The direction is juvenile, dialog is fucking terrible, acting is dismal and a Samsung OLED is thicker than the premise.

Every new release is worst than the last. If Shyamalan keeps this up, he’ll be boring third graders by 2015.

Other applications of the MNS formula:
Sixth Sense: Bruce Willis + Haley Joel Osment + pergatory – (okay, liked this movie; not going into writing) + no-name doctor + locked doors, distant wife, kid who sees dead folk + whoa… = almost $300mill

The Village: Joaquin Phoenix (before Walk the Line) + Bryce Dallas Howard + cults, religious extremists – stereotypes, boring monster stories + guard + fear mongering, elders, crazy freakoids + a highway? = $115mill

Lady in the Water: Paul Giamatti (slight exception, as he’s the shiz) + Bryce Dallas Howard + fairy tales, legends + neighbor + children’s story, everything else + duh = $42mill

isolationist paradise

Wednesday, November 26th, 2008

Some of you (being the crispiest bits of societal upper crusts) are probably looking for a weekend away from everything and everyone. Cruises, private islands and losing the rest of your Boy Scout troop do the trick but (with your 401Ks resembling your depleted soul) you’re likely looking cheaper and most of you aren’t in the Scouts. Look no further than a late-November weekend in the St. Croix Valley.

Why would I voluntarily go to Taylors Falls for anything, much less a weekend in the cold before there’s snow, you ask? You’re not paying attention. That very question puts it on the must-visit list for anyone looking to avoid anyone.

I was just there with four others this past weekend. It’s a ghost town. We were the only ones in two different bars and had Guitar Hero to ourselves at a third on Friday night. Saturday, we were the only ones in the campground (for good reason) and in the Red Brick Grill (for dinner) for the first half hour.

There’s no riffraff, no differently-minded conversation and no conjestion. The service is great and the pace is lax. If you have appropriate gear (which, sadly and uncomfortably, I did not), relaxation abounds. It’s easy living on a pinched wallet.

Also, two servers mentioned Dalles House as the shiz, with live music, a chill scene and general entertainment. Obviously, you should avoid it like a Smallpox blanket. I can only imagine local drunks, high-energy and fun had by all.

All those defeat the purpose of hiding from stock holders, fleeing an assault charge or never going back to that hospital with all the pills, ever, because the voices hate the pills. Which is the only real reason for holing up in such a place.

Snaps are in the usual places, video too.

dog, the discount shopper

Tuesday, November 25th, 2008

Monday, I mentioned the new JCPenney lame in Quick Thoughts (here comes the “more” even sooner than expected). If you didn’t watch the video there, watch below. It’s about five (long) minutes:

Men are fuckwads in need of women to scold them until they realize the awe inspiring power of giving them (discount) diamonds. Oh how stupid men are and how patient and nurturing women are. What a great world of redundant stereotypical this is. (Yawn.)

Marketing is desperate for something new because no one cares anymore. Sarcastic, absurd and subversive campaigns are all they’ve managed. Now, as @alisamleo says on The Web is Social, they have far more powerful tools and are still coming out with this lame. (Seems it should be easier to sell the world’s most prolific consumers more stuff.)

I’ve gone into the “diamond issue” before so I’ll just ask: are we, as consumers, supposed to be swayed by pathetic, sexist, buzz-word-marketing afterthoughts like this? If so, here’s how every marketing meeting from now ’til you’re dead will go down:

Boss: Our sales are knee-deep and the holiday season predictions are dismal. What do you have for me? Think out of the box people! Take it to another level.

Marketing manager: (Stands up, totally stoked to prove he’s on a new level) We’ve already started running with the concept. We have an incredibly long commercial because we aren’t constrained by television airtime. We’ll put it on a promotional microsite—my daughter loved Out-of-Your-League-Girl. It’ll go viral in no time. We’ve got great visuals and incessent, repetitive talking points to really drive it home.

Marketing underling: (Excitedly passes note that reads, “tell him about the [interactive feature]“)

Marketing manager: We’ve even got another section of the site that will display uploaded photos and SMS messages. It’ll be great for those users that fit easily into one-dimensional architypes.

Boss: (After making a series of checks onto his notepad list titled: “Buzz-isms”) Is it web 2.0? What about Facebook?

Marketing underling: I have a profile. We could…

Marketing manager:
They have [Feature like Facebook Connect] now. We can add it to the site and have users add their contacts so we can then draw them to the site. It’s a call to action that will viral all over the outside of the box!

Boss: Sounds incredible. Go with it. Keep it simple.

Marketing underling: We could use it to add social features and create an experience…

Boss: That’s not keeping it simple. You’ve lost me. Stick to the “add contacts” thing.

Marketing underling: … but how does that engage the audience, develop a relationship?

Boss, Marketing manager: (In unison) I don’t understand the question

supercapitalistic heartthrob

Monday, November 24th, 2008
tigerbeat magazine, 1994

tigerbeat magazine, 1994

I have a school boy crush on Mr. Robert Reich; I admit that freely, enthusiastically. Those dreamy eyes, that well-kept beard and that wispy frock of salt-pepper (sigh). But I’m not superficial (yes I am), it’s his mind that twangs my heart strings.

I just finished his book, Supercapitalism, last week. Seriously, everyone, read this (or page through it on the bus so people think you know something). Whatever, it’s good, is all I’m saying. He discusses the rise of corporatism and discusses real solutions. (Balance? Progess? How in the-? what the-? Flag pins?)

The book is an easy read (I check out library books according to the number of pages) and his is an interesting perspective. He goes into the falicy of thinking of corporations as people, some reforms to the tax structure and all with Ashton Kutcher-esque optimism (sorta).

For all you emo fans, hipsters and Chino-Latino patrons (so many labels for the same thing; odd), he even has a blog. He has some interesting commentary on the current trend toward bailing out banks, autos and your scamming uncle.

Still not convinced? Fine… fuckit… his son’s a director of content at CollegeHumor.com and he’s half an inch from being a little person. That work for you, frat boys? Cripes.

wtf?!? 11.21.08

Friday, November 21st, 2008
what an ass...

what an ass...

After all the whining about how Christmas is being eroded, dismantled and violently attacked by domestic terrorists, where’s the “Christmas” in this post? (“Winter season,” eh?) Did you forget your one-man crusade? That you’re wasting airtime with your pathetic display offends me but you don’t even have the balls for consistency?

Maybe you’ve just realized the fight is lost. Christmas is a distorted holiday, bastardized into a retail circle-jerk. (If any of you watch Fox News, sorry for blowing your mind just there, should’a warned ya.) Does it matter what we call it?

Most Christmas celebrations occur between it and New Years; thus there are two (plural). Which, according to English-as-first-language, means “the holidays” is usually correct. Arguing that referring to them as such is anti-Christian makes you an ignorant dick but not using your own rhetorical idiocy? That’s just impressive.

It’s bad enough I already have to listen to shit Christmas music and watch terrible ads for extravagant gifts no one can afford. Now I have to watch (clips of; never made it through an entire “Factor” for health reasons) a desperate idiot talk to complete morons about an imagined war he can’t even live up to.

(More on thecontroversy“)

(Incidentally, FoxNews.com—Factor especially—still looks absolutely terrible in compliant, modern browsers. Think it’s because their target audience is so smart and adept? Yeah… that’s probably it…)

Full disclosure: I despise almost all holidays (save New Years and Thanksgiving) and couldn’t care less what they’re labeled.