Archive for July, 2008
true patriotism »
Thursday, July 3rd, 2008
We live in the greatest country in the world, just ask Sean Hannity brilliant journalist, except for manhandling the English language like a slow first grader. Which is, duh unless you’re one of the 90-some percent of the rest of the world, but what’s the best way to show it?
The obvious answer would be a flag outside your house, boastfully vocalizing your hatred brown people and packing up after your house is foreclosed. But, this is the weekend where we celebrate our Independence, so we need to kick it up a notch after all, their empire was undemocratic, militaristic and oppressive; nothing like us.
First, let’s take a look at the quintessential americonic fabric, denim.
Gatsby hat
Sure, there are other ways to show you bleed red, white and blue like being morbidly obese, for instance, but there aren’t many that show off your being an idiot as efficiently. Most countries can easily find out our educational system is failing with some quick research, but if you show up at a coffee shop in Paris sporting this baby you’ll save them the time. They’ll appreciate it.
Long-sleeved embroidered shirt
While the denim shirt baffles me, this one hits my brain like a trigonometry sledge hammer. In some circles, this is Sunday best. That just makes me cry for the empire that once was. Wearing something like this shows everyone at a quick glance that you’ve settled into the double-wide and only look forward to NASCAR to break the monotony of the shop.
Sleeveless jacket
The denim vest is iconic and what not. Whether it’s that you everyone to know you really, really, really love Harley-Davidson motorcycles, think the confederate flag is a display of the first amendment or just want to show your “get ’er done”-like pipes, it’s the perfect vehicle. That is, if you don’t plan on leaving town or walking into someplace as classy as an Applebee’s.
How about a look at an essential accessory unless you own a belt?
Suspenders
How better to compliment your best Canadian tuxedo, I ask you? That’s rhetorical. These do offer something the others cannot: subtlety. Hide these under a nice blazer and you’re showing your US pride and not resorting to the stereotypical, blunt-force-trauma obnoxiousness that has foreigners laughing at us behind our backs as we snaps shots of ourselves in front of Big Ben or the Louvre.
Finally, I couldn’t pass up the boldest patriotic display of them all.
Bikini
With all it’s red-white-and-blue glory, there’s no better way to cover your naughty bits than with a few shards of the stars and stripes. It immediately speaks to the conservative origins of our nation and shows enough skin you ignore the genocidal policies, slavery and oppression that got us here. While all those brown people burning flags on that island is desecration, we should press the tiny bits of fabric symbolizing our glorious country as far up our asses and as close to our danglers as possible. See also: boxers.
Tomorrow, be a true American forfeit personal liberties and show your true colors, so to speak. Wear your flag-heavy gatsby hat with an american flag t-shirt under your sleeveless flag-painted denim jacket. Hold up your jeans with some flag suspenders and under all of it sport your cleanest pair of flag boxers. Walk with pride, patriot because you won’t be the only one.
thoughts on: 99 bananas »
Tuesday, July 1st, 2008
At some point, in a near-drunk haze, a staff member and I started talking schnapps. He insisted vodka was of a higher proof and I slurred the opposite. It came to mind again either because the discussion happened this weekend or the heavy drinking jarred the memory loose; that I don’t know which is quite telling of how my weekend went and I decided to put all my research expertise to good use. internets!
Turns out drum-roll…. schnapps comes in a shitton of varieties and the proofs read like an annual list of recorded temperatures in rural Minnesota. Vodka is generally about eighty proof, so sometimes Staffer isn’t wrong. I contend I’m right because of my experience.
During some weeks of sophomore year you’d more likely than not see me wandering with a 16oz, blue-capped Nalgene filled with a clear substance. You’d notice my glossy stare, stunning good looks and a nauseatingly thick cloud of near-banana scent following me like Thigpen’s dust cloud. I was high on free-time and low on cash, so 99 Bananas was my drink of choice so named for it’s being 99 proof.
For those not “in the know,” read: lametards, non-drinkers, dorks, healthy individuals let me describe drinking 99Bs. Close your eyes and imagine with me. how you going to read? honestly, sometimes I wonder… You bring the water bottle to your lips, feel the balance of the container shift as the liquid eases toward your maw. A few drops pour quickly, washing your mouth in an intense puddle of Now and Later candies and Icy Hot. You swallow that first sip, exhale immediately, fight your body’s natural reflex to vomit poison and shudder involuntarily.
Your eyes water while your stomach inundates your brain with a string of high-pitched expletives and probably throws a dish or two. Your chest much like that of a fire-breather with the hiccups heats to an uncomfortable degree instantaneously, which sparks sweating as you contemplate whether you’ve just inadvertently committed suicide.
Within a few moments, your eyes dry, your stomach steels itself against the toxin and your breathing returns to normal. All you have to do is repeat that process about… um… twice and you’re lightly toasted. Repeat as desired, but be sure to have health insurance.
That’s not the worst of it. Drink root beer schnapps with a glass of your favorite root beer. You can’t even taste it! It’s like the carbon monoxide poisoning of mixed drinks. You’ll be three Phillip’s/A&Ws in before you think, “maybe I should slo—” and wake up in someone else’s shoes, without socks or pants, face down in a puddle of vomit and urine next to a Dairy Queen you’ve never seen.
Look, I’m sure some of you pansies would prefer to take your schnapps in the thirty proof variety. And, sure, that’s great. You’re living it up with the pink/yellow drinks that make your face rosy and your smile broad. For you, vodka is off limits and eww, but the real power of schnapps lies in the memories. Specifically, that after a night of heavy 99Bs ingestion, you still have some.
I’ve woke after heavy vodka chugging that left garbled text messages in my outbox, stories of me in varied forms of embarrassing on my friends’ lips farting loudly while passed out on the floor, surrounded by others playing a board game = life of the party and a foggy confusion that remains for days, but the memories are washed away with incredible efficiency. I’m left blissfully ignorant after the crushing headache fades. Not so with the quasi-banana-flavored evil.
Everything’s foggy, but there. The stupidity, barely-coherent conversations and pathetic attempts at broken-English flirting or the attempts that came to disappointing fruition are all there. There’s nothing like waking up in complete darkness, fumbling about in what you soon realize is a bathroom and finally emerging into an unfamiliar place as your entire embarrassing night rushes at you like soccer fans charging a field Goooooooaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllllllllllll!. It’s transcendent.