a fond farewell…
… to you, my dear readers. The common folk. I must bid you, with a heavy heart, adieu. In checking my account status online, I found I’ve received my rebate for the government’s sssssstimulus package. I have no need for work or peasants’ entertainment, so I must depart.
I don’t know what I will do with my new-found wealth exactly. It was only moments ago when I found it, after all. Maybe I’ll buy a Chinese child, or a few to show that bitch, Jolie, what’s what. Just last night, coincidentally, I watched up the yangtze, so I’m far more in touch with their plight than I may have been yesterday.
Maybe I’ll scuttle off to a private island and waste my days basking in sunlight that doesn’t come coupled with 50° temperatures. I will miss all of you, as I will obviously be far from contact. Please go about your days without showing the marrow sapping sorrow I’m sure you’ll feel frowning makes you seem ugly, and you’re suffering enough.
I could give to those less fortunate. I could search citywide to find the homeless man everyone talks about, give him a dollar and could repeat the process for almost two years. Oh, the philanthropy would warm my soul and make life worth living. Surely I won’t, because they have such a horrific odor and it’s totally out of character, but the thought alone is enough to make me feel better inside.
Wait… everyone… everyone! got one of these? What the shit?!? To fix the economy?!? Who’s the idiot that thought this would work? Who in their right mind gives cash to a bunch of poor people? Do they think they’ll ignore their children/credit debt/medical bills/food needs and buy a new american-made television? are there any?
Oh… that’s exactly what they think? I guess that makes sense then. Well, I have faith in it. There’s no current or recent examples of our government tossing an idiotic idea into the forum that was approved abruptly without any consideration of logic or realistic consequence, so I pretty much have to.
Ah well. Maybe I’ll put part of it toward a new bike and stash the rest in a low-interest savings account or invest in an oil company/defense contractor. I guess I congratulate all you jerk-offs on your checks, too. Or something. Meh.