tabloid commentary
I don’t care how full you think your life is. Sure you’ve bungee jumped off a three-hundred foot cliff in New Zealand. Who hasn’t? Of course, clubbing your own baby seal was an impressive task how you got into the zoo and behind the glass still perplexes me. I believe you when you say you can die happy after your brief affair with Jessica Biel lucky for you Timberlake got sucked into that backyard sun-bathing session when he did; I hear he gets a touch jealous…
…but, have you stood awkwardly at the microwave, reheating leftover sweet and sour chicken, while two middle-aged fellow cube drones discuss, at length, current trends and star happenings as seen through the lens of “people” or some such rag? Then, sir or madam, I have you trumped, because that very scenario just happened with myself as the awkward, microwaving participant.
To say the event was humorous would be like describing häagen-dazs’ dulce de leche as cold. I stood there, attempting to concentrate on the reheating, while they inquired into Katie Holmes younger years why she hadn’t been as glamorous as her post-cruise persona, the attractiveness of mcdreamy and mcsteamy, and the general hotness of Fergie.
If I could shut my eyes and erase recent memory or their voices sounded thirty years younger, I’d have likely felt like I was back in high school study hall staring at but not comprehending a math book. Had they been high schoolers, the conversation would have been judgmental, superficial, and ridiculous. Because they’re not, it had just a touch of sadness sprinkled over it. Here’s just a sample of the lame imprecisely quoted:
#1: it’s too bad about britney, because she used to be… she was gorgeous.
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#1: Did [Katie Holmes] just not hold herself up as well before? Is it just that she has more money now? She looked so much different. Is it just that she’s dating Tom and she can spend as much as she wants?
#2: Have you seen her in any of her earlier movies? She played gothy… and I think she did some of that. She’s in the limelight more now.
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#2: I think it’s natural to connect with stars of your own era. I don’t care how hot or dreamy these guys are, none of them hold a candle to Tom Selleck. He just gets better as he matures. But, McDreamy and McSteamy maybe… from Grey’s Anatomy.
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#1: ooh, Fergie. I think she’s gorgeous.
#3: I think she’s interesting. I saw her in that dress she wore to the Grammy’s; I don’t know.
#1: She’s got the greatest eyes.
#2: but she’s got that square jaw.
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#1: I don’t know about jessica Simpso…
#3: Oh, Jessica Simpson. I’d give my right arm to look like her.
#2: From here down maybe I assume she was gesturing from her neck down. But she’s got beautiful hair.
#3: I think she looks like a Barbie.
If this is what normal people talk about, our country is headed to ruin much faster than even i imagine. Every time a page was turned, another topic came up without a noticeable line of thought among the bunch. They each had thoughts I use the term loosely here; very loosely on everything that came up, but none of it had any meaning. It took me about five minutes at the nuke-box and I feel that, intellectually at least, I would’ve been better off slamming my head repeatedly on the pillar next to me, timing how long it took me to pass out while holding my breath fully realizing this would be physically impossible without assistance, or counting the full flips of a tossed quarter.
Now I’m taking an early afternoon because it’s still frigid in here and my repetitive hacking is annoying my neighbors. Do tell Jess that I’m available. Even after eavesdropping on this stimulating banter, I could probably still fit something in what can i say, carpe omnium. I make a mean grilled cheese.
Marty Funkhauser Says: