Archive for February, 2008
tabloid commentary »
Tuesday, February 12th, 2008
I don’t care how full you think your life is. Sure you’ve bungee jumped off a three-hundred foot cliff in New Zealand. Who hasn’t? Of course, clubbing your own baby seal was an impressive task how you got into the zoo and behind the glass still perplexes me. I believe you when you say you can die happy after your brief affair with Jessica Biel lucky for you Timberlake got sucked into that backyard sun-bathing session when he did; I hear he gets a touch jealous…
…but, have you stood awkwardly at the microwave, reheating leftover sweet and sour chicken, while two middle-aged fellow cube drones discuss, at length, current trends and star happenings as seen through the lens of “people” or some such rag? Then, sir or madam, I have you trumped, because that very scenario just happened with myself as the awkward, microwaving participant.
To say the event was humorous would be like describing häagen-dazs’ dulce de leche as cold. I stood there, attempting to concentrate on the reheating, while they inquired into Katie Holmes younger years why she hadn’t been as glamorous as her post-cruise persona, the attractiveness of mcdreamy and mcsteamy, and the general hotness of Fergie.
If I could shut my eyes and erase recent memory or their voices sounded thirty years younger, I’d have likely felt like I was back in high school study hall staring at but not comprehending a math book. Had they been high schoolers, the conversation would have been judgmental, superficial, and ridiculous. Because they’re not, it had just a touch of sadness sprinkled over it. Here’s just a sample of the lame imprecisely quoted:
#1: it’s too bad about britney, because she used to be… she was gorgeous.
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#1: Did [Katie Holmes] just not hold herself up as well before? Is it just that she has more money now? She looked so much different. Is it just that she’s dating Tom and she can spend as much as she wants?
#2: Have you seen her in any of her earlier movies? She played gothy… and I think she did some of that. She’s in the limelight more now.
—
#2: I think it’s natural to connect with stars of your own era. I don’t care how hot or dreamy these guys are, none of them hold a candle to Tom Selleck. He just gets better as he matures. But, McDreamy and McSteamy maybe… from Grey’s Anatomy.
—
#1: ooh, Fergie. I think she’s gorgeous.
#3: I think she’s interesting. I saw her in that dress she wore to the Grammy’s; I don’t know.
#1: She’s got the greatest eyes.
#2: but she’s got that square jaw.
—
#1: I don’t know about jessica Simpso…
#3: Oh, Jessica Simpson. I’d give my right arm to look like her.
#2: From here down maybe I assume she was gesturing from her neck down. But she’s got beautiful hair.
#3: I think she looks like a Barbie.
If this is what normal people talk about, our country is headed to ruin much faster than even i imagine. Every time a page was turned, another topic came up without a noticeable line of thought among the bunch. They each had thoughts I use the term loosely here; very loosely on everything that came up, but none of it had any meaning. It took me about five minutes at the nuke-box and I feel that, intellectually at least, I would’ve been better off slamming my head repeatedly on the pillar next to me, timing how long it took me to pass out while holding my breath fully realizing this would be physically impossible without assistance, or counting the full flips of a tossed quarter.
Now I’m taking an early afternoon because it’s still frigid in here and my repetitive hacking is annoying my neighbors. Do tell Jess that I’m available. Even after eavesdropping on this stimulating banter, I could probably still fit something in what can i say, carpe omnium. I make a mean grilled cheese.
haha »
Monday, February 11th, 2008
I’m not much of a music guy. Going against me in music trivia would be like slapping a quadriplegic in the face with a three-foot stick, or something. It’s sad, is all I’m saying. That being said, even I don’t much like this tune. I do, however, enjoy the video that accompanies it which explains, partly, why i’ve subjected you to it. Unfortunately, watching this gem on mute would completely ruin any shred of awesome it now has.
Enjoyed it right if you didn’t, please contact your congressman (or woman) and take appropriate action*? Talk about a sweet video on the cheap.
*by appropriate action, I mean, of course, waterboard him (or her). It’s not torture at least according to anyone in power, but he’ll (or she’ll) get your point.**
** he (or she) won’t get your point. This was a joke. Congresspeople are on a different level of stupid where the U.S. is still powerful and just.***
*** this was just a post about a music video and look what happened? Things really got out of hand.
flawed democracy »
Monday, February 11th, 2008
note: what follows has no insight, inside knowledge, or thought. It refers to the Democratic race mccain need not apply. Anything herein that resembles factual content or perspective is purely coincidental. For those of you who don’t believe in coincidence, get over yourselves. Destiny is the Easter Bunny of the post-sixth-grade crowd. Everything you do has consequences that are directly related to the cause. A series of causes and effects make up your dismal existence. Here, take some of these. I just picked them up from the fourteen-year-old across the street. All his friends say they’re the shiz. What the hell am I talking about? Can we move on?
First, this will likely be obvious to 96.74% of you, the readers. As the top-most, flakiest, golden brown-est crusties of the upper crust of this giant bunt cake we call America, you understand happenings on every level. You’re wealthy not in the social sense, but in the sense you can buy a county to hunt on. You despise the poor and consider your trust fund pocket change. I know I’m talking down you in your three-piece suits and shoes with no price tag that were handed to you personally by a seven-year-old Malaysian, but I must cater to the lowest common denominator. Please forgive.
With his “sweep” love the media’s portrayal of politics as sports; undermines any importance it once had; awesome this weekend, Obama is on an impressive push toward the presidency. pause for applause at my hard-hitting, thoughtful analysis. I threw a quick glance toward the C.N.N. election center. Things are looking pretty stellar for the new kid. This is likely because Clinton is a heartless, manipulative bitch. That, or deep in the heart of all of us, there’s a louder voice of misogyny than bigotry.
But, whilst glancing passingly, I noticed the number of super delegates. I took time to watch a video breaking down the super delegates issue. As far as I can tell, it’s any current or former Democrat, except Lieberman. The 3.26% of you would think these super delegates would because it would be logical and fair vote along with the people. That’s why the 3.26% of you are idiots I may have to cater to you, but I don’t have to enjoy it.
Clinton has almost twice as many estimated super delegates in her camp. Were it some other woman, I would jump to the conclusion she’s fellated* her way into their favor; unfortunately, it is the former first lady, so we know this is not the case; zing! I guess this proves that the democratic elite couldn’t give a shit less about the general population psst, 96.74%, this is where you toast with your sixty-year-old wine; I can wait. The down and out members of the business community those salaried at only three million; dumb bastards want her because she’s pro-corporatism. The rest want Obama because he’s running with a better message.
It seems clear that Obama has more momentum. He’s raised about seven trajillion dollars. Quite a few members of the celebrilite are behind him and he’s got a few Kennedy kids on his side. The fact that he won Alabama, Georgia, Kansas, Iowa, Missouri, South Carolina, and Utah was enough to push me into full support of this guy. If racists, mormons, and farmers can agree, who am I to argue? I haven’t decided if I’ll vote this time around Tuesdays are always bad for me, but still, he’s a good kid.
Oh, wait, there is that one thing… What the shit is he going to do once he’s president? I haven’t heard anything about his policies thanks established media! and don’t know which direction he’ll go. If I’m honest with myself and I rarely am, there’s no way he can bridge the gap between Right and Left. The only thing we can realistically hope out of him in four years is the withdrawal of the majority of our troops not including contracted death squads, obviously and maybe a few failed attempts at health reform. Is that what I really want to vote for?
It’s a vote against the Democratic establishment that ushered in the Iraq war and has done nothing to slow the conservative agenda. It’s for an inexperienced idealist with all the right sound bites. It’s a gesture toward a united political process like the twitch of a comatose patient’s finger. It’s in favor of ending a bullshit war. It’s in favor of progressive ideals. It’s in favor of a society beyond racial turmoil. It’s something. It’s all a bunch of bullshit as you, the upper-crusties, already know. It’s pathetic, but, if all goes well, at least it’s something in theory.
* unrelated: looking up fellated on dictionary.com yields “chloe sevigny agent” as a related ad. awesome.
predictions ’08 »
Saturday, February 9th, 2008
The nominees in bold are my predicted winners. The paragraph following the categories is my justification and maybe my personal favorite. Feel free to tell me I’m an idiot. The “academy” seems to dislike movies as a whole, so I tend to be off the mark.
It’s about that time again. We’re only a few short weeks from the big show and I figure I’m due to weigh in. Of the categories listed (the ones I think are important enough to throw in here), I’ve seen all but two films, Elizabeth: the golden age (because it looks terrible) and the assassination of jesse james (because it’s hard as hell to find). There is very little thought and almost no analysis associated with this post and the statements therein (just my opinion as a cinephile).
Best Cinematography:
Assassination of Jesse James
Atonement
No Country for Old Men
The Diving Bell and the Butterfly
There Will Be Blood
Purely for the brilliant angles and gorgeous use of lighting, focus, and perspective that made this film watchable, Diving Bell should dominate this category. The possible trump is No Country, but that’ll win in other categories. The movie was intentionally slow, but visually stunning.
Best Writing, adaptation:
Atonement
Away from Her
Diving Bell and the Butterfly
No Country for Old Men
There Will Be Blood
I had trouble with this one. Diving Bell was a great adaptation and No Country was pretty spot on to the theme, tone, and what I imagined from the book. I haven’t read Oil! (because it’s old and long), but it’s an awesome movie, so I’m handing it to them. I’m about as confident in this category as I would be in predicting the next election or the sex of your next child. Take it as you will.
Best Writing, original:
Juno
Lars and the Real Girlfriend
Michael Clayton
Ratatouille
The Savages
Juno has the big push, because Diablo was a stripper and she’s new and hip and all that. The movie was hilarious (I just watched it again this morning) and the characters were solid, but overall, I think Savages was a heavier movie. The dialog was smart and the characters were impressive. They had more depth. Lars was good, but stretched the “he’s dating a doll” jokes about as thin as could possibly be spread.
Best Directing:
Paul Thomas Anderson – There Will Be Blood
Ethan, Joel Coen – No Country for Old Men
Tony Gilroy – Michael Clayton
Jason Reitman – Juno
Julian Schnabel – Diving Bell and the Butterfly
The film was solid. The Coen brothers nailed it and deserve the statue. At this point, there will be blood winning would be an upset. Julian, solid show, but not this year. Juno could probably win an m.t.v. movie award.
Best Supporting Actress:
Cate Blanchett – I’m Not There
Ruby Dee – American Gangster
Saoirse Ronan – Atonement
Amy Ryan – Gone Baby Gone
Tilda Swinton – Michael Clayton
My personal favorite is Amy Ryan, but she’s not getting any credit this year. Her role was difficult, her character was enigmatic, and her portrayal stole the screen. Cate’s always solid, so this is almost a given because I don’t think they’ll give Ruby the award like the S.A.G.s did. Can someone tell me why Saoirse is nominated?
Best Supporting Actor:
Casey Affleck – Assassination of Jesse James
Javier Bardem – No Country for Old Men
Philip Seymour Hoffman – Charlie Wilson’s War
Hal Holbrook – Into the Wild
Tom Wilkinson – Michael Clayton
Dear Tom, any other year you would take this award by mail. You could tape all your acceptance speeches and mail them as needed. Alas, this is the wrong year. Even against the younger Affleck and Holbrook you could have skated through the entire awards season. Please be appreciative of your nomination and kindly hand your statue to Bardem. Thank you.
Best Actress:
Cate Blanchett – Elizabeth: The Golden Age
Julie Christie – Away from Her
Marion Cotillard – La Vie en Rose
Laura Linney – The Savages
Ellen Page – Juno
Page could have had this one as much as Linney could have, but neither can stand up to the powerhouse that is Christie. She’s rocked through the awards season just like Bardem has. In a sea of locks, she’s the lockiest. Her performance was haunting. I doubt she’ll find a role as solid as this again.
Best Actor:
George Clooney – Michael Clayton
Daniel Day-Lewis – There Will Be Blood
Johnny Depp – Sweeney Todd
Tommy Lee Jones – In the Valley of Elah
Viggo Mortenson – Eastern Promises
I get it, Depp sings in his role, Clooney’s the cool asshole in his and Viggo attempts a Russian accent in his. They should be nominated and all that. Jones was solid in an underrated movie. But, Day-Lewis is just too good. The character, the intensity, the gravitation. Unreal.
and…
Best Picture:
Atonement
Juno
Michael Clayton
No Country for Old Men
There Will Be Blood
I know, I know, No Country should have this one. They probably will, but I’m holding out for a crash-esque upset at the last minute. Clayton is awesome, but slightly harder to follow. Atonement had a terrible ending. Juno is a comedy. They’re all factored out. The remaining two are awesome. They both, along with the un-nominated Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead, depict the fallibility and corruption of man. They’re both impressively depressing. They both have stellar acting and a strong message. So, I guess what I’m saying is that they’re both alike in a lot of ways, but Blood does it better.
The rest of the categories aren’t that interesting, but what happened with blood not being nominated for best original score? The music was incredible. Assholes.
malodorous »
Friday, February 8th, 2008
It seems like I helped him clean his brother’s bar for years. He would wake me with roughly a half hour to dress and prepare myself before we would drive out to the next town. The sun was still on the other side of the globe. I wouldn’t see it for another few hours. At first I was too young to care much about being tired and as I grew older I would sacrifice the lack of sleep for some quality time while he erased the exploits of the alcohol-enriched patrons of the night before. (more…)