nutritional knowledge, yo. nooch!
or, “I don’t think you’re ready, for this jelly”
note to European/foreign/scrawny readers: most of the information herein will be insulting to your superior nutritional knowledge. Don’t take it as the staff of UpTheDrain insulting you personally. Remember, we’re writing at a sixth grade level and are, quasi-regrettably, full-blood Americans.
I walk/drive/bike about a mile to the rail in the early morning as it’s cold enough to turn my corneas brittle, I prefer the second just now. I work in an office, in front of a computer, for roughly eight hours each day. I rail back and walk/drive/bike back to the house. I stare at the television for most of the night unless there’s a bar or show or movie sorted. I burn likely an overestimate thirty-seven calories each day. When an email invite came for a “why diets don’t work” seminar, I was on it like a fat kid on discount donuts. I believe my exact thought was, “bored, bored, email… it’ll get me away from my desk…,” so I was pretty stoked.
Americans don’t exactly impress when it comes to weight-related health. As I’ve adjusted to my sub-sedentary lifestyle, it’s tough to avoid gaining. Plus, in this business I’m not a part of “this business,” but I hear things you’re invited to lunches and handed sweets far too often to manage a healthy frame. Americans want more bang for their buck, which sparked a dramatic growth in portion size. Even fruit has been genetically mutated to pack more calories into fewer bites. Basically, because of our consumption choices, we can barely do the cabbage patch without wheezing or reaching for a snack cake.
In the interest of honesty, the staff here has pressured me to mention that I started yesterday with two cookies and three brownies, followed by a turkey sandwich with a bagel and cream cheese at about six. Health!
I wasn’t entirely surprised read: completely expected to find myself surrounded by overweight coworkers. The exception, a girl younger than I, is on her way to wedded bliss so she’s got wedding-dress paranoia congratulations and all that, but she doesn’t really count. The information was a review of sixth-grade health class. Nutritional dieting depends on lowering your caloric intake and watching your percentages of carbohydrates, proteins, and fats. A pound of fat roughly equates to 3,500 calories that are not otherwise burned. Calories burned depends on metabolic rate and activity. Eating after seven doesn’t matter factoring out difficult digestion; mmm, heartburn if you’re below your caloric intake on the day. Blah, Blah, duh.
I don’t mean to insult these people, but it’s impossible to take them seriously. They knew all the answers. They knew when to, how often to and what to eat. They knew what to avoid, how to stick to a routine and why diets failed miserably. With all their know-how, they looked to be an average of sixty pounds overweight. Half the seminar, the large woman next to me spouted wisdom handed to her by Weight Watchers. One exclaimed, after finding out weight-loss takes almost as long as weight gain, “that’ll take forever!” If it weren’t so pathetic, I would have had to leave the room laughing.
I figure half these kids are in on the intra-office weight-loss challenge. Something tells me they won’t meet their goals or keep the weight off. These are the same women that carry around thirty-two ounce mugs filled with kool-aid and sodas. They come back from the skyway with pounds of disgusting in Styrofoam. I imagine they’ve joined the gym to assist in their dramatic transformation, but they don’t seem to have the mobility for anything that will actually burn calories. A couple were superficially judging celebrities, without irony, only a week ago.
Some people are predisposed to being overweight. Eating disorders, slow metabolism, genetic tendency and low income healthy food is cost prohibitive are things people can’t control easily. Some people. If you know all the rules of losing and keeping off weight, don’t follow them and complain about how you can’t lose weight, you sort of come off a little like an anti-gay Republican in the hypocritical sense, not because you’re a coward or ideologically retarded.
Before you flood my comments with appreciation, you’re welcome for dropping a nutrition bomb on your asses this fine frigid Thursday. Get out there, eat smart and shed those unwanted pounds this spring because Cosmo wants you to. I’ll be here, staring at my screen, chugging V8-fusion vegetables, to me, almost universally taste like they were baked in a feces-caked oven or sprayed with a delicate mist of ammonia until I piss blood. To reiterate: health!