don’t tase me bro’*
In honor of this fine patriotic holiday, where we celebrate the lives of all the powerful, productive, and legendary Presidents all currently deceased, I thought it’d be fun to throw out some currently patriotic information. I don’t mean to make any real commentary about the state of things. Even if I was, there would have to be a control-hungry, imperialistic regime and some form of surveillance society in place before anything untoward could happen…
Have you ever really, really, really wanted to shoot someone be it an unruly college student or dark person, but couldn’t manufacture enough justification? Thanks to Dr. Milton Taserson, now you can send your victim err… subject? to the carpet, brimming with involuntary spasm. All the money saved on non-lethal submission training can go directly into buying more stun guns. In this day and age, they’re far more eco-friendly than wasteful fire hoses. Bring your camera, because the videos are, like, way popular on the tube.
St. Paul police want a taser for every officer. In a place as cultured and diverse as Minnesota, it’s hard to believe these stunners will be misused. They did assure us that this call for more guns wasn’t related to the thousands of protesters predicted to congregate here in the fall. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s always best to take things at face value and leave the questioning up to the pundits, reporters, and other journalistic professionals. Okay, I kid. The only time the journalists give two shits about the over-tased population is when they’re zapping their low-level correspondents for the superficial entertainment value of a grown man flailing like a fish out of water. Also, true journalism has been dead fifteen years, so fuck those guys.
More tasers isn’t a bad thing. I’m sure they’re necessary in today’s society. I think the videos of folks locking up, as 250kv overrun their phsyio-circuitry, are hilarious. I think they are an effective tool in keeping order and maintaining the peace as far as suburban, local news viewers are concerned, at least. I also think it’s becoming far too easy to knock an alleged assailant out of commission. A few people have died after being shot by one, a measly 150, or so. In Houston, only a third of those tased committed a crime. Those friendly Texans also shot just as many people after getting the tasers as they did before. Seems like Houston is the new hot spot. Some people may see that as a bad sign.
Here in M.S.P. where weather.com says it feels like a balmy -21°, I’m excited for the new toys. I’ll be watching the local news religiously during the R.N.C. I wonder if anyone will start up a bet pool regarding how soon into the convention the first dread-locked protester, disturbing the peace with his acoustic guitar, hits the pavement shaking like a Parkinson’s patient too poor for regular medications. Like Michael J. Fox, that over-dramatic sonuvabitch; right mr. limbaugh? I’m thinking a solid over-under would be thirty-six hours. I’d bet under.
For fun, want to know a few more things I won’t be doing the first week of September? as usual, I ask as if I care what your answer is. Tapping my feet in public restrooms or using them at all. Using online chat forums or touching anything related, even indirectly, to Craigslist. Pausing to tie my shoes near any major hotel, government building, or group of protesters. This will be easy enough. I don’t hang out around the first two and a protesting crowd can be sniffed from six blocks (the left by their b.o. and the cloud of smug that they produce; the right by the overwhelming stench of ignorance and freshly minted twenty dollar bills). Methinks I should just avoid wandering south of 7th street all-together…
* Just in case that douchebag has that bullshit phrase copyrighted, we know he’s been selling the shirt and trying to get ass from the notoriety it granted him, I might as well give him credit. That phrase, in that form, was said just before some idiot was deservedly tased shitless. He’s pretty much a complete tool, but I can’t so much remember his name. Now the shitstain can’t sue me.