cashing in
I don’t know if you’ve heard, but Bush is going to lay down the awesome tonight in the State of the Union linked: cloud cult’s take on it; sweet song; look it up. He’s going to outline his support of an economic stimulus plan that will bitch-slap all this negative coverage of our dismal finances. I doubt he’ll dwell on the unemployment rate, the working poor, or the Iraq war or he’ll just outright lie about all of the above; he tends to be more comfortable within his skill-set. Those little bits are too depressing and take away from the sweetness of the stimulus.
I could ramble on and on about how the stimulus plan is driven almost entirely by corporate interests and will probably be just as monumentally ineffective as 2001’s attempt at slowing the decline. I could warn that this will likely be a platform for Bush to make his destabilizing corporate-friendly policies permanent. I could outline a lot of reasons why putting cash in the hands of stupid people is akin to flicking the forehead of a charging bull. I could even probably mention a few polite suggestions for improving our economic standings ex: stop handing fucking rich people more fucking money, you dipshits and yadda blah yawn.
All that would distract from the real point of this whole thing. Free money*. We’re talking a no-string-attached well, maybe there are some, but fine print is for nerds bundle of up to $600. I’m practically sitting in a puddle of anticipation-induced sweat. Those six hundred bones could be in my palm as early as May see: October if it’s approved smoothly haha.
I’m already formulating a spending strategy, or at least thinking of the possibilities. I could buy an entire set of snowboard gear off-season. I could quadruple my literary library see: books my aunt gave me I haven’t had a chance to read yet. I could buy between thirty and fifty DVDs. If I filled out the forms right, I could be in the possession of an indonesian infant. I could fix the squeak in my suspension. I could pay one month’s rent. So many options.
I can tell you for positive what I won’t be buying with my new-found quasi-wealth. This DVD. I know, I know. I’m one of seven people who has seen all of her films to date except the made-for-tv, “jessica,” where she played jessica sampson; i mean… wow. I have a thing for Jessicas alba, biel, rabbit. I should be the only person pre-ordering this on Amazon, but I’m taken aback by one thing: it only made $1190 in Texas not saying I won’t see it, just won’t pay.
Texas. If there were ever a more nativist, inbred, idiotic state, it was geographically eaten by Texas before they created maps. It’s almost incomprehensible that a movie, staring a native, was released within it’s well-guarded borders and didn’t even make two grand that’s less than 150 people, depending on per-show cost.
Better ways to spend my ill-advised government handout?
One month as a scientologist.
A new power antennae for my car.
1/250th of an armored humvee.
Two ferrets.
A flat-screen television anything japanese.
1/6th of a flight to New Zealand.
400 euros.
Another option is to not spend it. I could put it into savings and use it later for something more responsible like a flight to vegas. Or, considering the overall thought behind the stimulus, I could pack it into a small metal container, spray it with lighter fluid and light a fire with it. If you are not on a fixed income, don’t have crushing credit debt, aren’t paying monthly dues on student loans, don’t have a house, can pay your rent, don’t travel, have a job, fit into the small fraction of financially secure americans or aren’t an idiot, what are you going to spend your pathetic stimulus money on?
* By “free money,” I mean: putting money into the unemployed fingers of American “smart shoppers” who saved negative dollars last year so they can buy cool gadgets from those that un-employed them.