…you’re not one of those…
Most, if not all, of you have seen the ad for helzberg diamonds even if you don’t know off the top of your head what I’m referring to. Think man painting woman’s nails on couch, her reading a nondescript publication, him paying way too much attention to the task at hand. She’s drinking her coffee with the nonchalance of a woman with no troubles. There’s a bit of dialog in which he insists on adding another coat. The narrator drops in with, “because you’re not that guy…” If you’ve yet to see this little slice of marketing genius, take a look here.
A few questions come to mind. The main one being: when did it become smart to guilt men into buying expensive rocks for not fitting the mold of an asexual house-mate (that’s the ideal of seven women around the globe)? To the lady readers, show of hands: how many of you would want your nails painted by your husband/boyfriend/fuck-buddy/live-in housekeeper? And what do they exactly mean in pointing to him as that guy? If you don’t know how to work the bristles of the little plastic do-dad that comes with polish you’re forced to buy her affection? Is there something wrong with being that guy? Should he be ashamed of his oddly progressive nail-decoration skills?
I get that the diamond industry needs to use soft-sell techniques. If they started throwing hard-sell ads at us like they do for Ginsu knives or various other kitchenware, their farce would become tiresome so much the quicker. When you run a market based on fabricated scarcity of a product that has no intrinsic value, you’re running a fine line between luxurious and ludicrous. There are a hundred different ads that tell the viewing males that they’ll make up for a year’s worth of remorseless immaturity only with an expensive shiny object she can flaunt her status with. But this one doesn’t even make sense.
Is it romantic to spend your Saturdays like a pageant mom in Montana? Precious stones will be sought for eternity (as they have been since we stood up after falling out of the trees), but diamonds are the only ones being beaten into our culture through television’s pulsing lights. This ad just takes it over the edge into complete absurdity. I could think of a few ways to prove that you’re not that guy that fall a little closer to your price range… Cook her the dinner she likes, put in a shitty movie you know she won’t and get all distracted with other stuff. (like board games. obviously.) Don’t even ask her if the nails look alright until you’ve finished the white and added the top coat of the, like, totally bitching (but oh so stale) French mani/pedi. Bitches don’t know what they want anyway and you know it looks fierce. Compliment her blouse without mentioning how great it’d look on you and don’t check out the male dancers on Dancing With the Stars longer than she does. S’all I’m saying.
Oh, and I think this ad sucks gigantic ballsack. In case you weren’t keeping up.
Also, show TinkTrace some props in the comments. She was brave enough to stop by the U.T.D. offices and share her tramatic tale.