Archive for December, 2007
juno »
Monday, December 17th, 2007
Have you caught all the hype? Juno’s the best comedy of the year. Juno should take home the best picture. Juno blows Knocked up and Superbad out of the water. Juno is God and we are all but worshipers to its celluloid throne. Then don’t see this one. At least not until you can get past all that. Like Little miss sunshine before it, it may not hold up to the detail-oriented eyes of those with high expectations. You’d be doing yourself a disservice.
Diablo Cody is taking over Hollywood like the U.S. took Hawaii. At least that’s what all the lip-service implies. She’s busy and in high demand, yes; she’s a quick witted persona that screams for media coverage and flash bulbs, yes; she’s the second coming of brilliance and the new face of Hollywood writers; a little too early to tell. To say her writing is original is an understatement, but it’s just too soon to put her next to the likes of Tarantino.
So take it easy, relax, inhale, exhale, cough (it is that time of season after all) and try to be uninfluenced as the trumpets blare through the Fox Searchlight opening sequence. Here’s my take on it:
The story is original, witty, poignant, and hilarious. The topic is not an easy one. Take the easy road and make a sentimental mess and you’re selling it off to the lifetime network at a bargain price. Go too far with the cutting humor and you’re audience will remain too distanced to take any part of it. Diablo and the actors that portrayed her unique characters, play it perfectly as far as I’m concerned. The wit plays alongside the emotional almost enthusiastically. The dialog is brilliant and the acting is great.
Ellen Page (hard candy, or for those who unfortunately missed that, X-men: last stand) seems to deliver her lines effortlessly and with realism that doesn’t fit her sixteen-year-old character. Like Dawson’s Creek uses multi-syllable verbiage far beyond their characters’ ages, this one is filled with references, sarcasm, and humor that is far too advanced for the characters’ years. But, you don’t notice because Page draws you in past the skepticism.
The rest of the cast is top-notch. Bateman (Smokin’ Aces, Dodgeball) is always hilarious. Cera (Superbad) plays dweeb like Clooney plays egoist, it’s just too natural. Garner (electra) doesn’t suck as much as she usually does, but she gave off this creepy vibe for the first part of her on-screen minutes that is hard to explain. Juno’s parents are hysterical, played by J.K. Simmons (Spidermans) and Allison Janney (chumscrubber, drop dead gorgeous).
I liked the direction because it was almost playful. The opening sequence was sweet. Some shots almost had heart to them. The last one, and you’ll know what I’m talking about after you’ve seen it, is a pretty damn good way to end a film such as this. It’s a great visualization of what I can imagine was an interesting piece of screen play.
This is the most original set of characters I’ve had the pleasure of viewing in a long time. They are simultaneously extraordinary and believable. That’s hard to pull off. The clerk at the drug store does talk a bit too much like the high schoolers, but his character’s voice is still separate and his lines are so over-the-top that it’s not all that distracting. The cast does a stellar job of providing the realism that knocked up lacked. The writing has more of an edge, and is generally smarter than, superbad and the characters are just as likable.
If Judd Apatow had produced this one, he would have transmutated into pure energy and the massive embassy in Iraq would have exploded in a fireball of love. The middle east would have peace and there would be no poverty in the U.s. because one man would have brought us more combined love than any single event outside of Grenouille’s odor in perfume. At least we avoided that.
*****
…you’re not one of those… »
Sunday, December 16th, 2007
Most, if not all, of you have seen the ad for helzberg diamonds even if you don’t know off the top of your head what I’m referring to. Think man painting woman’s nails on couch, her reading a nondescript publication, him paying way too much attention to the task at hand. She’s drinking her coffee with the nonchalance of a woman with no troubles. There’s a bit of dialog in which he insists on adding another coat. The narrator drops in with, “because you’re not that guy…” If you’ve yet to see this little slice of marketing genius, take a look here.
A few questions come to mind. The main one being: when did it become smart to guilt men into buying expensive rocks for not fitting the mold of an asexual house-mate (that’s the ideal of seven women around the globe)? To the lady readers, show of hands: how many of you would want your nails painted by your husband/boyfriend/fuck-buddy/live-in housekeeper? And what do they exactly mean in pointing to him as that guy? If you don’t know how to work the bristles of the little plastic do-dad that comes with polish you’re forced to buy her affection? Is there something wrong with being that guy? Should he be ashamed of his oddly progressive nail-decoration skills?
I get that the diamond industry needs to use soft-sell techniques. If they started throwing hard-sell ads at us like they do for Ginsu knives or various other kitchenware, their farce would become tiresome so much the quicker. When you run a market based on fabricated scarcity of a product that has no intrinsic value, you’re running a fine line between luxurious and ludicrous. There are a hundred different ads that tell the viewing males that they’ll make up for a year’s worth of remorseless immaturity only with an expensive shiny object she can flaunt her status with. But this one doesn’t even make sense.
Is it romantic to spend your Saturdays like a pageant mom in Montana? Precious stones will be sought for eternity (as they have been since we stood up after falling out of the trees), but diamonds are the only ones being beaten into our culture through television’s pulsing lights. This ad just takes it over the edge into complete absurdity. I could think of a few ways to prove that you’re not that guy that fall a little closer to your price range… Cook her the dinner she likes, put in a shitty movie you know she won’t and get all distracted with other stuff. (like board games. obviously.) Don’t even ask her if the nails look alright until you’ve finished the white and added the top coat of the, like, totally bitching (but oh so stale) French mani/pedi. Bitches don’t know what they want anyway and you know it looks fierce. Compliment her blouse without mentioning how great it’d look on you and don’t check out the male dancers on Dancing With the Stars longer than she does. S’all I’m saying.
Oh, and I think this ad sucks gigantic ballsack. In case you weren’t keeping up.
Also, show TinkTrace some props in the comments. She was brave enough to stop by the U.T.D. offices and share her tramatic tale.
Rapid Fire #4 »
Saturday, December 15th, 2007
We’ve got the hook-up with the H.B.O. on demand at the house. I worked from home a few days last week and have had some low-key afternoons, so I’ve taken advantage, watching horrible movies I’d never pay money for or waste the time to download.
the skeleton key
Kate, what are you doing? Magic? This movie is ridiculous. The concept lies in some sort of Americanized voodoo that haunts a large, old house. The acting is unimpressive. The suspense is manufactured and hard to get into. The story is intriguing, and carries well. The end is sort of cool in a way, but the build up is so painful as to make it worthless.
It’s just another in a long tradition of shitty horror brought to us by Hollywood laziness. I’d recommend it if you’re looking to lower your intelligence and avoid thought for a bit. Hudson has a nice little scene where she’s topless, and filmed from behind. At least she’s got that going for her.
the marine
Wow. In a word, this movie is hilarious. The action scenes are straight out of the W.W.E. (predictably) and the plot is out of some teenager’s jerk dream. Marine comes back from action to his insanely hot wife who wants to do nothing but screw him as long as he can adjust. He can’t and tosses a few folk through glass. The two of them decide on a vacation, badass crooks take hot-wife hostage and Marine has to rescue her, take down the badasses, and walk away unscathed.
There’s some funny slow-motion work, lame one-liners, and a whole lot of suspension of belief required. The story just gets worse and worse as it goes, which makes it hilarious. Kelly Carlson, a Minnesota native, pulls her weight like a no-armed anorexic, but she sure fills out a bra and panty combo. The chick member of the badass team is stellar as well. I recommend this one if you’re twelve or have the brain of a chimp.
the ringer
Ha, Johnny Knoxville has done it again. And by it, I mean shattered my faith in the human animal. This one is just absurd. There’s no way this could be given any merit. It starts of making fun of handicapped people with such gusto that it’s almost impressive. Then it seems to get a conscience and goes so far as to make them heroic. It’s unnecessary and painful to watch. If you’re going to make such a horrible idea into a film, at least go that extra mile.
This one was a waste of my time, and for me to say that, it’s got to be such a giant keg of shit as to make the strongest men in the world balk.
prime
I was surprised by this one, but not to the point of liking it. The surprise came from this not being as sappy as I thought it’d be. It was still ridiculous. There wasn’t a lot of realism to the situation. I realize it’s tapping into the “cougar” fad, but it doesn’t really do well in making me side with any of the characters. There’s a general awkwardness that comes from knowing more than Uma’s character when she’s talking with Meryl, but that entertainment fades with the slow story.
It’s probably an interesting date movie if you’re already in your thirties. You’re not as phased by the new media and can sit through the tired parts without getting as annoyed as I got. The main guy does play his part well and Uma rocks the body for her age, but is still only a mediocre actress unless she’s wielding a Katana.
tale of the theft at pentagon city »
Friday, December 14th, 2007
like the title? it’s kinda catchy…see gut-wrenching/enthralling i was going to try and not spill the beans and see how long it took you to figure out that this isn’t being written by the original writer of ‘thought chasm’ but i just can’t take it anymore…let’s be honest, i was never really good at keeping secrets again sorry heather for telling everyone in the office about your one night stand in jersey, i realize that’s something no one would ever want to admit, it seriously slipped out…perhaps this again wasn’t the best way to apologize..damnit I’ve done it again
ok back to me…i’ve been asked to write a post as a “guest” on this blog which to me is truly an honor. i feel like i’m accepting some sort of award to be honest in which I would like to thank my parents, etc etc. the reason is because i recently had an experience that quote warranted some sort of elaboration end quote. to put it simply, my christmas cards were stolen. what kind of a scrooge does that? wtf. seriously. happy fricken holidays to you too.
so here’s the story: i was sitting on a bench at pentagon city mall taking a little shopping break what? it’s tiring! and two things could’ve gone down. either someone stole one of my shopping bags when i was chillin’ or i left it by accident and someone stole it within literally 2 minutes. the bag had a $30 gift card, a wine-tasting book, and my christmas cards. i was actually able to de-activate the gift card and get a new one for free, ha ha suckas! i’m sure they thought they were getting something good when they picked up that ann taylor bag. wait, what did i just say? also, just a hunch but i really doubt the person/kid who stole the bag is really all that into pinot noir or the act of writing christmas cards so i’m guessing the bag is in the bottom of some garbage can at the mall but let’s be honest i wasn’t that desperate to dig for it.
i was, however, desperate enough to stalk various people throughout the mall carrying ann taylor bags. so again maybe i was a bit desperate. but what really puts a smile on my face is that when the thief yeah i said it. sidenote* what ever happened to the term burglar? no one uses that one anymore. think about it. i’d like to bring it back. or thief’s girlfriend/mother goes into the ann taylor (probably post-new year) to spend the card, it will have a zero balance. slap! i may or may not have asked them if it was possible to just arrest the person on the spot. they were disinclined to acquiesce my request. i know what you’re thinking, what movie is that from? answer: potc
and that my friends or just readers is the story of the ‘tale of the theft at pentagon city’. this blogging thing is harder than i thought. hope you were able to stay with me. thank u again to upthedrain for allowing me to post this piece and share my story with the internets see: series of tubes it has truly been a pleasure and i hope to be invited back again some time.
dazzle »
Thursday, December 13th, 2007
Before there was the worship of many gods. A god for the sun, a god for the sea, a god for the earth. The environment was respected. It was the giver of life. The elements were precious. Peoples were primitive and combative. Some sacrificed others, there was war, but they made some of the advances we take for granted today.
Then there was the All-Powerful being. The gods merged to One. He was vengeful and cruel. Those that believed in Him feared and respected Him. He created the sun, the sea, and the Earth. His people were chosen and entitled. They fought to protect their homeland and then prayed and prepared to regain it once it was lost.
The All-Powerful had a Son. He was born and lived, was persecuted, and was killed for our sins. He was a scapegoat for the sins of those before Him and those the followed Him. The All-Powerful became calm and generous. Those that followed the Son had a sense of entitlement. They spread their message and entire empires converted to their beliefs. There was manifest destiny; there was genocide; there was great power for the few and persecution for the rest.
The stories told of His life have been stretched, spliced, and manipulated into the most popular book ever written. The key points of his life, when they fell in the course of a year, were shifted to take the place of pagan celebrations that preceded Him. His words were misconstrued, His message lost. His followers celebrated the Son’s birth and His death. He was worshiped on par with the All-Powerful. He was respected and miraculous. He has been forgotten.
The holidays meant to celebrate His life are now filled with cards for those we barely speak to, obligatory presents for those we care for, and time spent, sometimes begrudgingly, with kin. We sing re-worked carols that fill us with the warmth and nostalgia of the days gone by, but don’t appreciate the happiness therein. We buy material goods to feel better.
The seasons change. Snow covers the litter, rain washes away grime, sunlight sustains life, and the decay of fall sparks the cycle anew. Fires wipe away entire swatches of forest and fertilize a new generation of woodland. The Earth remains, ever changing, erasing the scars of the past and cutting new pathways.
It has survived, grown, and rejuvenated hundreds of times and will continue doing so after we’ve destroyed ourselves. Mountain ranges erode, rise, and crumble, always in motion. Rivers speed up, slow down, meander, carve, and flow continuously from higher altitudes to lower ones. Hundreds of species fall into the dust of history and hundreds more are created as the changing earth requires adaptation to sustain.
The heavily-marketed holiday, filled with half-hearted words and empty gestures, meant to celebrate the birth of the Son of the All-Powerful who gave us everything we now take for granted, will disappear with us. Corporations stretch the holiday season beyond the point of meaning, striving for profits, exploiting goodwill, and catapult us closer to our demise. The gifts given to us by the All-Powerful, or the sequence of incredible events that led to our existence, depending on your beliefs, will remain.