I was chilling with a soon-to-be nurse on Saturday. Enlightening. Apparently, the male bladder is larger than the female. She said by 250ccs which, if you care, equate to mls; an ounce is about 29.5 mls; the things you learn right?. She mentioned that the male’s was about a thousand ccs about 34 ounces. Seems like I’m a bit lacking in that regard guess there had to be one area where the luster of my perfection was slightly dulled right? considering how many trips to the depository I sort out in a typical night of brain-cell slaughter. Or so many in a typical day at the office drinking a couple jugs off the tap.
I was confused which happens more recently than I’d like to admit, so I went to looking because tutoring a dozen people in the ways of a content management system doesn’t fill my day, or something around the interweb for more information. And now, as a service to you still reading and that number has to be lower than those entering the first paragraph; just playing the odds, I will give you a brief of what I’ve learned.
The actual size of the bladder is completely ambiguous. How, after a few thousand years of recorded history and six thousand if you’re one of those people, we’ve still managed to avoid finding an average size of the human bladder, I don’t know, but we have a range. The site I found, which was compiled by students because I’m an equal opportunity researcher, did a bunch of looking that I’d never do and found estimates between 470 ml and 1000 ml.
That doesn’t mean shit though ha, gotcha. because the real value to keep an eye on figuratively… seriously, figuratively is micturition. What, you may ask because I sure as shit did is micturition? It’s the point that your stretch receptors flare up and you involuntarily empty duh. These students figure you’ll micturate at between 150 and 300 ml full because that’s what the majority of their research—the kind I’m not doing—found. No shit. I can keep over twenty ounces in the old post-kidney holding tank, but spring a leak at half-full? Seems unfair. And that’s an optimistic prediction. A couple others set micturition at about twenty percent.
What sort evolutionary ridiculousness is this? When were we so full up on water and so far away from a place to piss as in: anywhere near a forest or moderately sized hole that we needed to drain the main one when we were more than half empty? That doesn’t even make sense.
In northern-european cavemen dialect Garnich, take the… Garnich? (From a quarter-mile away) Sorry guys, just had to piss… I swear I went before I left… Stop yelling though, or I can’t go…. (their prey, an ancestor of an elk looks up and darts off)… collective sigh… Oh, and I made that up. Garnich didn’t have a last name. Everyone knows that didn’t become popular ’til after the fourteenth century, but I digress.
Can you train these receptors? Say I’m sitting in my office, staring at a screen, listening to the sucking whoosh of my soul deserting me and want to prolong the time between detours to the porcelain palace. Is it like practicing to hold your breath longer?
What did I learn today aside from needing to find something more productive to do with my idly firing synapses? That the bladder, among the organs, is a gigantic pussy. In fact, it’s not even fair to compare the two even as a figure of speech though vulgar, it still applies; it’s a play on words (feel free to picture the staff here at u.t.d. bowing—because we are). The bladder is so pathetic it rivals the appendix and I sure as hell miss the little guy in overall efficient use of cells. For fucksake, my kidney was in three relatively distinguishable pieces and he’s running just fine. Try that and see how you turn out, you sack of piss see what i did there?.
Wait, whoa… sorry. Got ahead of myself there. It’s good to have him around. I’d hate to be the guy that micturated all over himself.