the wonders of an office restroom
For all intent and purposes, I’ve been working here since February some was under contract and all that. In that time some things have come to light. I’ve shared bathrooms in offices before. But I guess sharing this one has a set of oddities that happen to notice, or I haven’t been paying close attention before.
The bathroom itself is hilarious. There are fresh flowers most days. The days they hang their dead I can’t help but laugh. Why not just fake flowers and an air freshener. Hell, just put the air freshener in a vase surrounded by fake flowers. I’ll have your back if there’s a suit-coated mutiny.
There’s an odd wet spot under the first urinal that never seems to go away, but doesn’t look like piss either. Speaking of puddles, why can’t anyone wash their hands without spraying water in a six inch radius around the sink. Somehow I doubt your keyboard has the sort of grime that warrants that sort of scrubbing. O.C.D.? my apologies. Were you sure to shut your door three times and spin twice before leaving this morning? Wait, what? You look nervous…
The toilet seat in the handicap stall yes, i use it; bite me; there’s no one here that needs it is always loose. Like they can’t find a couple locking bolts down in the store room. I find myself tightening them all the damn time no I don’t have to, but it’s more comfortable; i’m all about stability.
And then there are the fellow frequenters. I’ve apparently synced my urination schedule with about four other guys. I see them way too often. I do drink a lot of water, but when you see someone in the pisser more than twice a day, there’s something amiss, s’all I’m saying. There’s the annoying guy, the chatty guy, the quiet guy, and the stank-ass guy who has recently been disposed of who come to mind right away.
Chatty and Annoying seem to think I’m in the mood for social conversing while pissing. I’m not. I’m rarely in the mood for such things even outside of work. I don’t understand why there’s all the chatter. We’re not reliving a touchdown or drunk off our asses. Is it so wrong to go about my pissing without recounting the day’s events? Chatty also appears to be on buddy-buddy terms with me. I now know that two beers gives him a hangover I neither wanted nor needed to know it.
Annoying is pretty sure of the fact I like him. I can’t say I don’t like him, but there’s a lot of room for improvement. He once said, in response to the surprisingly crowded room, “Standing room only! [chuckle] Standing room only!” I think it was a joke mostly because he laughed and those more socially adept gave an effort toward laughing themselves. I happened to be in the bathroom later that same day to see the show again. It wasn’t as funny the second time even after setting such a low bar with the first. It must be his go-to phrase in crowded spaces. Good to know.
Stank-ass and I were at odds. I shower too often, have a sensitivity and nauseous response to body odor, and live under the assumption a typical person showers upon smelling their own filth. From the smell of things, he must have showered every three to four days. This is acceptable for most primates, but my standards are higher. He also had straggly hair, a bushy beard, and smoked. His departure was not mourned.
I have no issue with Quiet, but I see him even more than the others. I feel like he may be following me. I probably see him 1.657 times a day on average. How can someone coordinate an overlap of five minutes out of the standard eight hours so consistently? That’s five percent of my day almost every day, and sometimes more than once. Tweaks me out.