another office tidbit
I will never understand how these things start up. There are so many intraoffice traditions and lames that I just can’t keep up. The nagging office mom is always fun. The tsunami of emails per day is great. The passive aggressiveness is outright hilarious sometimes read: when I’m not the one being passively aggressed. But then there are the kids’ fundraiser items that end up in community areas.
This is one of my favorite piles of ridiculous. I don’t buy anything. I don’t have money for Girl Scout cookies and don’t care much if a local P.T.A. is running out of funds. It’s not that I’m not compassionate. I just have a lower level than other folk because I spread it to more important social concerns like folk without H.B.O. or the internet; the real hard-up crowd.
I don’t have enough to be guilted into helping little Debby bump her numbers to make the rest of the troop feel like shit. It’s bad enough her ma pressures her to be pretty and smart to the point she hates herself. Poor Debby. All she wants is approval from a woman too caught up in keeping her figure and friends while her inconsiderate husband sleeps around to give it to her. But enough about that soon-to-be-slut what the hell right? I don’t know where this shit comes from, I should let ya’ll in on why this slid into my head in the first place.
Walking into the kitch for some water, I see a set of catalogues and a note at the edge of the counter. I can’t help but read because the first catalogue has a giant chocolate chip cookie on it methinks someone knows their target market. Here’s the note: verbatim because I took a snap for reference; you’ll have to picture the shitty handwriting, scribbles, and odd spacing on your own.
Hi my Name is Austin SpuDe I am 7 years old. I am in Secont grade. I go to libertyridge. I am seling stuff. thank you for Buying from Me.* A note from mom: : )
- books will be left here until Friday, 9/28
- make checks payable to Liberty Ridge PTA
- orders will arrive Mid-November
I’m not known for my like of children. It’s mostly due to their impressive stupidity. I mean they literally know nothing until you teach them and even then they can be slow on the uptake. I’m also not the target of this hard sell. I emphasize hard sell because “I’m selling stuff. Thank you for buying from me.” is about as I-will-sell-you-this-shitty-car-you-idiot as you can get in the “secont” grade. But I still have to give props to the awesomeness of this sort of thing.
It’s great because this shit works. Really fucking well. The ladies walk by the counter, see his miscapitalization and absurd spelling, and their maternal juices start to boil. The dads are stabbed in the nurturing gene. A win-win. Add that Austin’s selling cookie batter and gift wrap and they can’t help but provide some monetary approval. You have yourself a cute kid hawking crap that office pawns dream of. That equates to a marketers wet dream with almost no effort.
Austin doesn’t give a shit. He’s seven. The jury’s still out on if he knows what money is. The note is purely a marketing ploy like the snaps of girls in Girl Scout uniforms that accompany those catalogues; awww cute, how much?. Saying “my son is raising money for his school’s P.T.A. and would love your support” gets a weak response if any. You need to strum the heart strings a bit. By having this idiot write a note he doesn’t know the meaning of, you make people feel like he actually cares. And if Austin cares, you’re an asshole for not buying a roll of cookie dough.
note: Before you tweak, this isn’t a knock against Austin. Seems a dece little guy. It’s not his fault he’s stupid. He’s young. Stupidity fades with age sometimes.