Archive for July, 2007
spruced cube »
Tuesday, July 31st, 2007
I decided to spruce up my cube and by that I mean, ridiculed to the point of motivation. As I’ve, apparently, collected a few of the free 11×17” movie posters from Block E, I decided to start with those. Free, easy, and effective; my favorite combination. though my discovery of another nook in interweb heaven could lead to issues.
With this decoration comes a small problem though. Namely, that one of the posters is this one:
I know, right? What the hell? but, to be fair, I also have one for Georgia Rule, so it’s an equal opportunity wall of suck. The poster brings up a few questions:
- What movie, at this point in his career, is too bad for Eddie Murphy?
- Why would the studio that brought us Daddy Day Care feel the need to bring us this one? What did we do to them? For something like this I imagine killing a first born is the only crime that fits the punishment; did any of you kill any rich kids lately?
- How did Gooding go from the epic steps of men of honor to the giant leap into completely fucking stupid? Doesn’t he have a manager?
But, beyond the questions that no one can answer like why no one sees this is as the strongest sign of the impending apocalypse, is the obvious reason this is being produced: Film producers love making kids movies.
It used to be that PG13 was the target demo. That was all the rage and people forced directors to cut gigantic stretches of film in order to fit into that arbitrary and meaningless rating. But now, with the advent of C.G.I. features and horrible parents, I’ve seen a swing toward even younger.
It’s easy to see. The parents don’t have the energy or maturity to deny their children whatever they want, so when the kids want to watch a shitty movie with deadbeat actors or cartoons, that’s what they see because to let the kid play on a playground or tell him he’s a fucking idiot is bad parenting. Now the theaters can count on at least one adult ticket to go along with their little mentally challenged they’re just young you say? six of one, half a dozen of the other target consumer. Ca-ching! Those thirteen year old ultra-independent fuckwits don’t bring that kind of financial incentive to the party.
There will always be more PG13 and R movies because the markets for both are so much larger we can only reproduce so fast, but the growing popularity of the children’s film shows us two things: we have the cinematic restraint of a two-week-old giraffe because I can only imagine they, too, would watch anything they’re shown and the film studios hate us with a passion brighter than the sun.
But, it makes my cubical look as though it’s occupied. So props for that.
the simpsons movie »
Monday, July 30th, 2007
well it’s about time, right? it’s been twenty years since the original shorts appeared on the tracy ullman show depicting the dysfunctional greatness that became a television icon when it morphed into a half-hour series two years later. For a cartoon to last that long is unheard of, but even more so is it not having an accompanying film version. south park and family guy both did just that within a few years.
I could go into how the television iteration of simpsons has trailed off and become much less influential, but that has nothing to do with this film. This movie has been in the works for about three years. It’s not bad, but the length of production or at least brainstorming doesn’t show. There are witty asides and a general commentary that comes with the main plot, but it’s more an episode of the simpsons stretched to the length of three.
The story is just as implausible and ridiculous as any episode i’ve seen. the characters aren’t very well developed, but they’ve been around for so long it doesn’t matter. There’s some sharp statements and hilarious secondary stories too. It’s a solid plot and i genuinely laughed out loud pretty often, but it stretched. It dragged for parts and some things just went a little too far for me to get into them.
I can’t speak from recent experience because i’ve stopped watching the show, but it seems to be much of the status quo. there are a couple smart jabs, but i was expecting more with so much time put into the film. And that’s not even mentioning the overwhelming marketing campaign that hit the mainstream a few weeks ago. The money and time invested in this one should have produced a stronger product.
Witty and funny? yes. Edgy? not really. the movie’s not necessarily disappointing, but it falls with a two-dimensional splat below expectations. don’t waste your money picking this one up in the theaters. It’s going to be a much better show on the small screen. But i guess that’s to be expected.
***
oh my; oh dear; so soon? »
Monday, July 30th, 2007
The honeymoon has ended. The fad-sluts are still basking in it’s liquid-crystal glow, but someone has been snapped out of his lusty haze. I would normally say, “it was only a matter of time,” but because this is America and we have the collective intellect of a mentally challenged squirrel and the individuality of an insecure lemming, I can’t find it in me. I thought the choches would love this phone until the big guy’s son came back and there was heaven on earth and all that awesomeness or the more likely nuclear winter. But alas, there is a crack in this digital facade.
A shame really, because I was just about to go out and buy one. yep, so that’s another lie; i should talk to someone about this. Oh well, the money will be well spent elsewhere.
tit for tatt »
Sunday, July 29th, 2007
Any of you kids watch those reality-ish shows that take place in the tattoo shops? Just me? Ok, glad we’ve got that squared away. You likely know the ones I’m referring to like inked and miami ink. And since we’ve established you’re not watching some of you remember a chick from L.A. making her way to miami ink for most of the last season and some of the one previous. I’m, obviously, talking about Kat Von D.
She was on the show until shit with Ami who, coincidently, is the shit hit the fan. She’s top-shelf sexy if you’re into that sort, but I prefer that girls i date not scare me to urination. And it’s not because I buy into the stereotype that anyone with tatts is a badass. Because they’re not. I mean hell, I’ll be getting one later this fall and I’m a gigantic pussy. She just scares me is all; like fat men in suits, or chanting, or small children on swings…
…and we’re back; apologies. She now has her own show coming out. It’s called L.A. Ink. That bitch. Well, not really, but how different can this show be? Miami Ink is sweet because it packs together a bunch of different personalities and does a decent job of not being over-the-top cheesy. Kat’s new gig has to be much of the same, because, if it’s not, it’s going to fail to hit it’s mark like a speech from a scientist at a Republican convention.
Oh wait, I know: it’s Miami Ink with skirts. Revolutionary but not as revolutionary as Girls behaving badly; those chicks are just toooo much. It’s the same thing, just a different package. Sort of or exactly like Moesha and the Parkers. Crazy that Kat and Kelsey Grammar now have something in common, no? Or maybe she just gets a bigger cut.
Good for her and all that, but fuck this. The spin-off obsession is going way overboard. I think Joey should have been the breaking point, or at least a cautionary tale circa leif garrett. you liked it? Really? Stop reading; we’re through here. And reality-ish television is so much worse. Every show has two iterations and they all suck shit. Kat, you’re fun and all, but you may have just made a gigantic misstep. Just saying.
saw trilogy »
Sunday, July 29th, 2007
This rapid fire is devoted to the greatness of horror films. Not all of them. That’s a bit beyond me, but specifically the Saw trilogy. I realize that each film is mediocre and will only likely reach the status of a cult following, but I have to give it it’s due. It’s a quality set of conceptual films.
saw one
I saw this one in the theater pretty much because of general curiosity. I wasn’t dating someone at the time that was overly squeamish, so it worked out. This one set the precedent for gore and strong concept, as well as the pitiful acting that continues throughout. It stands out from the typical horror classics because we know as little as the characters, if not less. The killer isn’t revealed until the absolute end because he’s only indirectly involved in their murder. The murder itself relies on a choice the victim needs to make.
Conceptually, the idea is stellar. We have a killer who gives his victims the choice. It’s always a gruesome decision, but we see that one person makes the choice and survives, so we know, at the core, Jigsaw (the killer) is flexible. He is showing his victims the error of their ways and allowing them a sense of redemption through their choices.
As the detectives get closer to the killer they are faced with tests and traps themselves. The intensity is only broken up by shitty dialog choices horrible timing within the screenplay. Maybe it was inexperience, I don’t know, but parts that were begging to be silent in order to increase intensity and suspense were filled with the dude from princess bride screaming ridiculous chunks of stupid.
***
saw two
After the first one caught my attention, I felt I needed to see this one. I borrowed it from a roommate and took a look see. Again, what the hell is with the acting? The chick from 7th heaven? Com’on, you’re not even trying. But this time the characters were all in a house and on a hunt for an antidote for a disease they were being infected with. I have to say, that’s pretty creative even if the execution wasn’t all that great.
But here you have a transition from master to apprentice and a similar sense of accountability for one’s actions. All the characters are linked in an unseen way and one is tormented by past actions. The same overall idea of having options and choices fills this one, but because of the confined place they are more general. The intensity is slightly manufactured, but still there in relatively high doses.
It’s not close to as good as the first, but continues the theme of it fairly well. It strays from the genuine sense of right and wrong that was played with in the first and is hurt because of it. Also, the dialog still sucks. You’d think they could have thrown in a more pricey writer to make something more plausible.
**
saw three
So the final of the trilogy was served up from the library and I wasn’t as disappointed as I expected. I was under the assumption things would follow the downward slope. It didn’t. I mean it did, the acting wasn’t solid throughout, but it was better than the first two. The dialog was not only better, but it was thought out. By the end, each cheesy statement was grouped into an overall meaning.
More victims are brutally dispatched. This time, they are given a choice, but it appears that no matter what their choice, they won’t survive the elaborate traps. The plot is more involved because one man faces multiple traps and the characters, Jigsaw included, are all interconnected. It’s still sort of a cheesy movie, but it has the underlying theme of having your own choice in whether you’re good or bad.
***
As far as trilogies go, this one’s pretty solid because the third wraps things up nicely, even if there are a couple holes left. It ties everything together and does a good job with character development. The concept behind them and the production of those ideas were on opposite ends of the spectrum, but that almost adds to their appeal.