this is me overwhelmed.
a happy christmas to everyone. or i guess happy holidays because the christians need to make sure every one’s against them periodically to drum up some solid business. damn. that was off topic.
here’s a quote that has me in an odd mood. it’s from one of the only people i have ceaseless respect for. others falter, but in my short existence he has always been, and will always be, someone i look up to.
I was given two breaks in life. One was meeting Dort, and the other was the war being over before I crossed the Rhine.
it came from my grandfather my ma’s side in reference to my grandmother and his time with the military. he stood a couple inches over six feet, but now, because of low muscle mass and crooked posture, hunches over to a couple inches shorter than i. he’s the eldest of 12 siblings seven guys in that pack. he stood strong and athletic and now loses equilibrium and finds it hard to walk more than a few feet without a walker. a man who even into his senior years was packing over two-hundred pounds on his frame now can’t weigh much more than one-forty. the bright twinkle at the back of his eyes is fading and it’s obvious his will to live hinges on only one factor…
she’s about five-six and within the last few years has bent to about five-three. her hair is thinning almost as fast as she is, having lost close to eighty pounds in the last decade. once she was the life of the party, gossiping and talking incessantly to anyone who would listen, but now she has trouble finding words and laughs to herself to mask her confusion as she drifts into the background of the conversation. a cloud of discomfort in the room stems from everyone sensing her frustration. only a month and a half ago she fell and broke her hip, yet prefers to walk without the walker because it makes her feel old and doesn’t remember injuring herself. when i first walk into the room, the attempt at recognition hurts even though i know it’s unintentional. there’s no way to avoid the sadness that comes from realizing, as she scrutinizes a photograph, that she doesn’t recognize herself or her eldest two daughters in it.
seeing the eternal love in his eyes, even while every one around them pities them, or talks down to them, or wells with reluctant emotion, makes me wonder if i’ll ever have something like that. don’t misunderstand this, i’m not out searching for miss right in an attempt to satisfy some deep desire to stop wasting my time and spend the rest of my days with someone. this is me wondering how someone could give so much of themselves for so long. there are only two girls that i’ve looked at seriously who have not annoyed, bored, or ignored me within a month. those two exceptions i hold in the highest regard and care for deeply, but i presently don’t consider them lifelong companion material. when i visit my grandparents in their new home, i confront my only fear unhesitatingly because i want to spend as much time with them as i can while they face their inevitable decline.
i find myself overwhelmed as i imagine how things will be without them. i see the reaction their physical and mental states get from those around them and can only hope i will eventually command half the love and respect of even just one of them. currently i am an unabashed douchebag who reveals my more caring qualities to the wrong people and hides them from the right ones. i pray or something like it that my grandfather’s capacity for caring hasn’t passed me over in favor of my sisters who both exhibit more altruism for strangers than i do for almost everyone i’ve ever met.